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Humor Center

2/3/2013

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Sometimes we all need a little break from our day to day routine. A good way to help relieve some stress is to take time to mellow out, relax and enjoy some lighthearted laughs or humorous stories. Laugh just a little each day …..
Picture
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Places to Go Where I Have Been

5/4/2012

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Places to Go Where I have been

I have been in many places but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. 
 
I have, however; been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
 
I have also been in Doubt.  That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
 
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent but don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.
 
PLEASE DO YOUR PART!
 
Today is supposedly one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another...

I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine! 

Add-on
 
Misrepresentation - (false statements) is one of the more difficult chapters in Contract Law. When I was in England the guys in the hostel would say:"I have a bad gal in my room tonight!""Yea? whats her name? Miss Representation. Efr  
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Dear Tech Support:Subject: Wife 1.0

4/11/2012

1 Comment

 
Dear Tech Support: Subject: Wife 1.0 

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Goingtothepub 7.5 , and Softball 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about go ing back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

_____________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,

Tech Support 
1 Comment

The Haircut

1/15/2012

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The Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father
as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer,
and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence
that Jesus had long hair."

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!) Scroll down.






 







 
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?" 
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On the Lighter Side

4/11/2011

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On the Lighter Side

You Know You Are Living in 2011 When...

  1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
  2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
  3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
  4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
  5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
  6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
  7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
  8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.
  9. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.
  10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-)
  11. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
  12. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
Source: Peggie's Place

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This is a Good One

3/11/2011

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This Is a Good One

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."


Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.  She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh,
...........
 (scroll down)



Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
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Love Songs In Church

2/21/2011

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Music is so powerful and can reach people in 
ways words sometimes can’t. 

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Amusing Oxymorons-Definition of Oxymoron

2/14/2011

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Amusing Oxymorons-  Definition of Oxymoron

Webster’s Dictionary defines oxymoron as “a combination of contradictory or incongruous words”.

Oxymorons can be used for dramatic effect, such as crash landing and deafening silence. They can also be amusing or comical, such as in criminal justice. Clearly this is not an oxymoron in the true and strict sense, but the suggestion that it is oxymoronic is humorous.  Take a good look at the paragraph below – -  Notice anything strange about it?

Have you ever noticed that it’s simply impossible to find seriously funny oxymorons online? The only choice is to ask one of those paid volunteers at thelibrary – the ones in the long-sleeved T-shirts – for an original copy of someobviously obscure documents that were found missing amongst some paperwork almost exactly one hundred years ago.

Here is a collection of amusing oxymorons — That is oxymorons in a “loosesense” of the word.

accidentally on purpose             act naturally                           adult children                            Advanced BASIC                           alone together                       almost donealmost exactly                                            almost perfect                       Anarchy Rules!                         barely dressed                              bitter sweet                            blind eyebutt-head                                        clean dirt                                        clearly confused                    clearly misunderstood                             clogged drain                         constant change
constant variable                          crash landing                         criminal justice                         deafening silence                         definite maybe                       definite possibility detailed summary                         Dodge Ram                            dry lake                                       even odds                                       exact estimate                       extinct lifefail safe                                           first annual                                     found missing                         free love                                         
 free trade                                       freezer burn                            friendly fire                                     front end                                         fuzzy logic                                 genuine imitation                          good grief                                       Great Depression                    Hell’s Angels                                  high ground                                    Holy War                                   home office              hot chili                                           ill health                                     industrial park                         inside out                                       jumbo shrimp                            larger half                                       legally drunk                                 light tanks                                  liquid gas                                        living dead                                     long-sleeved T-shirt                 loose tights                            mild sensation                              military intelligence                  minor crisis                                    near miss                                       new tradition                              now then                                         numb sensation                            obviously obscure
old news                                         once again                                open secret
original copy                                  paid volunteer                           Park Drive
peace force                                    peace keeping missile           plastic glasses plastic silverware                         pretty ugly                                  real phony 
recent history                                 rolling stop                               same difference
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JESUS AND THE BURGLAR

2/14/2011

1 Comment

 
JESUS AND THE BURGLAR
A  burglar broke into a house one night.  He  shined his flashlight around, looking for  valuables when a  voice in the dark said, 'Jesus  knows you're here.'  He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight  off, and  froze.
 
When  he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.Just as he  pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a  bell he heard  'Jesus  is watching you.' 

Freaked  out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the  source of the  voice..............Finally, in  the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to  rest  on a parrot.

'Did  you say that?' he hissed at  the parrot. 
'Yep',  the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm  just trying to warn you that he is watching  you.'
 
The  burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh?  Who in the world are you ?'
 
'Moses,' replied  the bird. 'Moses?'  the burglar laughed.  'What  kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
 
'The  same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler,  Jesus.'
1 Comment

Is Life Really About The Numbers?

2/14/2011

0 Comments

 
Is Life Really About The Numbers?

Here are a few ironic thoughts about aging and growing older – Ask yourself this…..

Is life really measured by numbers or by milestones we reach?

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we are kids?

If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

‘How old are you?’ … I’m four and a half!’ – You’re never thirty-six and a half – You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.

You get into your teens and now nothing can hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even jump a few numbers ahead.

‘How old are you?’ … I’m gonna be 16!’. You could be 13 – but hey – You’re gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life  comes — You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony — YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30 – Oooohh!! – What happened there? Makes you sound like sour milk! He TURNED 30 … we had to throw him out! Now it’s no fun – you’re just a sour-apple – What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40 – Whoa! -  Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50.  And your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would.

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing… you HIT Wednesday.

You get into your 80′s and every day is a complete cycle… you HIT lunch… you TURN 4:30… you REACH bedtime – And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90′s, you start going backwards… ‘I Was JUST 92.’

Then a strange thing happens..  If you make it to 100… you become a little kid again…. ‘ I’m 100 and a half!’ May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!
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