Sometimes we all need a little break from our day to day routine. A good way to help relieve some stress is to take time to mellow out, relax and enjoy some lighthearted laughs or humorous stories. Laugh just a little each day …..
Places to Go Where I have been
I have been in many places but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however; been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! I may have been in Continent but don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.
PLEASE DO YOUR PART!
Today is supposedly one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done! Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another...
I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!
Misrepresentation - (false statements) is one of the more difficult chapters in Contract Law. When I was in England the guys in the hostel would say:"I have a bad gal in my room tonight!""Yea? whats her name? Miss Representation. Efr
Dear Tech Support: Subject: Wife 1.0
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0 , Goingtothepub 7.5 , and Softball 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about go ing back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father
as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up
from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut.
Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer,
and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up
and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence
that Jesus had long hair."
(You're going to love the Dad's reply!) Scroll down.
"Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
On the Lighter Side
You Know You Are Living in 2011 When...
This Is a Good One
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh,
Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
Music is so powerful and can reach people in
ways words sometimes can’t.
Amusing Oxymorons- Definition of Oxymoron
Webster’s Dictionary defines oxymoron as “a combination of contradictory or incongruous words”.
Oxymorons can be used for dramatic effect, such as crash landing and deafening silence. They can also be amusing or comical, such as in criminal justice. Clearly this is not an oxymoron in the true and strict sense, but the suggestion that it is oxymoronic is humorous. Take a good look at the paragraph below – - Notice anything strange about it?
Have you ever noticed that it’s simply impossible to find seriously funny oxymorons online? The only choice is to ask one of those paid volunteers at thelibrary – the ones in the long-sleeved T-shirts – for an original copy of someobviously obscure documents that were found missing amongst some paperwork almost exactly one hundred years ago.
Here is a collection of amusing oxymorons — That is oxymorons in a “loosesense” of the word.
accidentally on purpose act naturally adult children Advanced BASIC alone together almost donealmost exactly almost perfect Anarchy Rules! barely dressed bitter sweet blind eyebutt-head clean dirt clearly confused clearly misunderstood clogged drain constant change
constant variable crash landing criminal justice deafening silence definite maybe definite possibility detailed summary Dodge Ram dry lake even odds exact estimate extinct lifefail safe first annual found missing free love
free trade freezer burn friendly fire front end fuzzy logic genuine imitation good grief Great Depression Hell’s Angels high ground Holy War home office hot chili ill health industrial park inside out jumbo shrimp larger half legally drunk light tanks liquid gas living dead long-sleeved T-shirt loose tights mild sensation military intelligence minor crisis near miss new tradition now then numb sensation obviously obscure
old news once again open secret
original copy paid volunteer Park Drive
peace force peace keeping missile plastic glasses plastic silverware pretty ugly real phony
recent history rolling stop same difference
JESUS AND THE BURGLAR
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice..............Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'
'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus.'
Is Life Really About The Numbers?
Here are a few ironic thoughts about aging and growing older – Ask yourself this…..
Is life really measured by numbers or by milestones we reach?
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we are kids?
If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
‘How old are you?’ … I’m four and a half!’ – You’re never thirty-six and a half – You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.
You get into your teens and now nothing can hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even jump a few numbers ahead.
‘How old are you?’ … I’m gonna be 16!’. You could be 13 – but hey – You’re gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life comes — You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony — YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30 – Oooohh!! – What happened there? Makes you sound like sour milk! He TURNED 30 … we had to throw him out! Now it’s no fun – you’re just a sour-apple – What’s wrong? What’s changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40 – Whoa! - Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50. And your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would.
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing… you HIT Wednesday.
You get into your 80′s and every day is a complete cycle… you HIT lunch… you TURN 4:30… you REACH bedtime – And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90′s, you start going backwards… ‘I Was JUST 92.’
Then a strange thing happens.. If you make it to 100… you become a little kid again…. ‘ I’m 100 and a half!’ May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!
Laughter is Good Medicine.
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