ways words sometimes can’t.
Music is so powerful and can reach people in
ways words sometimes can’t.
Amusing Oxymorons- Definition of Oxymoron
Webster’s Dictionary defines oxymoron as “a combination of contradictory or incongruous words”.
Oxymorons can be used for dramatic effect, such as crash landing and deafening silence. They can also be amusing or comical, such as in criminal justice. Clearly this is not an oxymoron in the true and strict sense, but the suggestion that it is oxymoronic is humorous. Take a good look at the paragraph below – - Notice anything strange about it?
Have you ever noticed that it’s simply impossible to find seriously funny oxymorons online? The only choice is to ask one of those paid volunteers at thelibrary – the ones in the long-sleeved T-shirts – for an original copy of someobviously obscure documents that were found missing amongst some paperwork almost exactly one hundred years ago.
Here is a collection of amusing oxymorons — That is oxymorons in a “loosesense” of the word.
accidentally on purpose act naturally adult children Advanced BASIC alone together almost donealmost exactly almost perfect Anarchy Rules! barely dressed bitter sweet blind eyebutt-head clean dirt clearly confused clearly misunderstood clogged drain constant change
constant variable crash landing criminal justice deafening silence definite maybe definite possibility detailed summary Dodge Ram dry lake even odds exact estimate extinct lifefail safe first annual found missing free love
free trade freezer burn friendly fire front end fuzzy logic genuine imitation good grief Great Depression Hell’s Angels high ground Holy War home office hot chili ill health industrial park inside out jumbo shrimp larger half legally drunk light tanks liquid gas living dead long-sleeved T-shirt loose tights mild sensation military intelligence minor crisis near miss new tradition now then numb sensation obviously obscure
old news once again open secret
original copy paid volunteer Park Drive
peace force peace keeping missile plastic glasses plastic silverware pretty ugly real phony
recent history rolling stop same difference
JESUS AND THE BURGLAR
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice..............Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'
'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler, Jesus.'
Is Life Really About The Numbers?
Here are a few ironic thoughts about aging and growing older – Ask yourself this…..
Is life really measured by numbers or by milestones we reach?
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we are kids?
If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
‘How old are you?’ … I’m four and a half!’ – You’re never thirty-six and a half – You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key.
You get into your teens and now nothing can hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even jump a few numbers ahead.
‘How old are you?’ … I’m gonna be 16!’. You could be 13 – but hey – You’re gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life comes — You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony — YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30 – Oooohh!! – What happened there? Makes you sound like sour milk! He TURNED 30 … we had to throw him out! Now it’s no fun – you’re just a sour-apple – What’s wrong? What’s changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40 – Whoa! - Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50. And your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would.
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing… you HIT Wednesday.
You get into your 80′s and every day is a complete cycle… you HIT lunch… you TURN 4:30… you REACH bedtime – And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90′s, you start going backwards… ‘I Was JUST 92.’
Then a strange thing happens.. If you make it to 100… you become a little kid again…. ‘ I’m 100 and a half!’ May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay “them”.
2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.
3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop” And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
4. Enjoy the simple things.
5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.
7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, and hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.
8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.
10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
And here’s something you should ALWAYS REMEMBER …..
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
25 Priceless Lessons On Life Learned From Mom ~ or ~
25 Reasons I Owe My Mother
Hope this brings back pleasant memories and puts a smile on your face. I also hope this helps you to remember mom just a tad bit more, not just on Mother’s Day or her birthday.
So….. I present to you…
(1) – My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE…
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!”
(2) – My mother taught me RELIGION…
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
(3) – My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL…
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
(4) – My mother taught me LOGIC…
‘”Because I said so, that’s why!”
(5) – My mother taught me MORE LOGIC…
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
(6) – My mother taught me FORESIGHT…
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
(7) – My mother taught me IRONY…
“Keep crying, and I’ll really give you something to cry about.”
(8) – My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS…
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”
(9) – My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM…
“Will you LOOK at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
(10) – My mother taught me about STAMINA…
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone!”
(11) – My mother taught me about WEATHER…
“This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it.”
(12) – My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY…
“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
(13) – My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE..
“I brought you into this world… and I can take you out.”
(14) – My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION…
“Stop acting like your father!”
(15) – My mother taught me about ENVY…
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
(16) – My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home!”
(17) – My mother taught me about RECEIVING…
“You are going to get it when you get home!”
(18) – My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
(19) – My mother taught me ESP…
“Put your sweater on… don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”
(20) – My mother taught me HUMOR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don’t come running to me.”
(21) – My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up to be big and tall.”
(22) – My mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You’re just like your father.”
(23) – My mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Shut that door behind you! Do you think you were born in a barn?”
(24) - My mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job.”
(25) – My mother taught me about WISDOM of Age…
“When you get to be my age… you’ll understand.”
And here are a few more you can add to the list…
I said 25, but these are too good to leave out.
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS…
“If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen THEN?”
My mother taught me about THINKING INDEPENDENTLY…
“If Tommy jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge, would you have to jump off too?“
My mother taught me CONSERVATION and ENVIRONMENTALISM…
“Put that back! That’s too expensive! Do you think money grows on trees?”
And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE…
“One day you’ll have kids… and I hope they turn out just like you.”
Believe it or not, all of these are signs that were actually posted
somewhere across the USA, Canada, Europe or Asia.
Here are a few things to ponder that I came across recently
Laughter is Good Medicine.