Are You Suffering From IDD?
 By Kimberly Dawn Neumann

You sit down at your computer, open up your online dating profile, get ready to dive in and suddenly you find yourself yawning…apathy alert! You realize you don’t care, close the computer, grab a snack and flip on some quality reality TV, like The Bachelor Pad. While it’s true that curling up with a bag of Cheetos and watching other people make out can actually sound quite appealing, in the reality dating show starring you, this behavior is not going to put you any closer to real-life romance. You’ve come down with a case of the Internet dating doldrums (IDD)!

Whether it stems from the fact that you’ve been online dating for months and haven’t found the right match yet, or that you’re possibly overworked and the thought of adding one more scheduled e-chat session or happy hour date to your busy schedule feels overwhelming, online dating boredom can happen to even the most diligent of daters. So, what can you do when cyber-ennui hits? Keep reading to reinvigorate your waning romantic resolve.

IDD Fix #1: Go on an “online dating diet”
Okay, this may sound counterintuitive to advocate taking a break from looking for potential dates, but if you’ve got a bad case of IDD, it might be time to shed some cyber-weight. We’re not suggesting that you “unsubscribe” — we’re just saying you should step away from your profile for a bit and give your shoulders a break from the weighty pressure you’re associating with the whole experience. “Go out, have fun, read a book, get a massage… do anything but think about online dating,” suggests Cherie Burbach, an expert at defeating online dating boredom (Burbach went on over 60 coffee dates in six months before meeting her husband) and the author of Internet Dating is Not Like Ordering a Pizza.

“When you go back to it, your attitude and approach will be renewed and you’ll have much more success…a happy and content person attracts more dates.” By sticking to an online dating diet for a week or two — i.e., no searching, no replying to emails, and if you can stand it, not even logging into your account — when you finally do log back on, you’ll be super-excited to see who has winked at you, all the new members who have signed up and you may even realize you’ve missed the thrill of it all.

IDD Fix #2: Rethink your dating objectives
If you’re putting too much stress on yourself by thinking that you have to find Mr. or Ms. Right-This-Second and then feeling despair when you don’t, well, your cyber-dating experience is probably starting to feel like cyber-torture. It’s time to mentally reframe the whole process! “The object of putting up an online dating profile is simply to try and meet someone you might want to date,” says Burbach. “Don’t think, ‘I want to find a lifelong mate.’ Instead, try thinking: ‘I want to find someone to meet for coffee.’” By relieving the self-imposed pressure of finding a spouse (and nothing less), you’ll free yourself up to meet all kinds of interesting people just for coffee and conversation rather than “happily ever after” (though that could be a nice payoff in the end…you never know!).

IDD Fix #3: Email your second-string matches
You know those profiles that you added to your “Favorites” list just so you could find them again because you think you could maybe, possibly be interested — but you just aren’t sure? Stop hemming and hawing about those “maybes” and shoot those people an email already! “You might have a great profile that conveys your personality, but not everyone else in the system will,” says Burbach. “Your online matches might not be putting their best foot forward, but if you email them and meet someone for coffee, your opinion could change.”

In other words, if you’re only communicating with the few people online that you think look like your perfect match in theory, you could be missing out on meeting your “real” match (someone who doesn’t know how to write a great profile, but is actually fantastic in person). Stepping outside your comfort zone is a great way to squash your IDD, because even if this “maybe” really isn’t a match, at least you’ve been more proactive!

IDD Fix #4: Mix up where you choose to meet up
It’s easy to get in a dating rut, right? Of course it’s convenient for you to meet your online dating prospect du jour at the same coffee house you ALWAYS go to (the staff may even know your usual order and be following along in your dating progress). But where is the excitement in that? It’s little wonder you have IDD if your routine has fallen into “same venue, different online date and day/meeting time.” Take this opportunity to branch out into unknown venues.

If you make your online dating experience not only about meeting new people, but also about trying out places that you’ve never been before…well, hello fun! Even if the guy or gal doesn’t share a spark with you, it won’t be a total waste of time because you’ll also have explored a new date locale. “Changing your regular meeting place adds interest and decreases boredom while you’re waiting for your date to arrive,” explains Burbach.

IDD Fix #5: Search outside your comfort zone
Okay, so you’ve reached a point in your life where you know exactly what you want in a partner... we get it. But what happens if you change that criteria just a wee little bit when you’re setting up your next search? We’re not suggesting you make an extreme switch — you don’t have to go from searching for quiet, bookish types to Harley fanatics. Review your list of “must-haves” again: couldn’t you loosen up a parameter or two? For example, try increasing or decreasing the height range you’re seeking by an inch, add a couple of years to the age range you’ve selected, or perhaps expand your search area from a five-mile radius to 100 miles. You never know who might pop up with the slightest “I’m seeking” tweaking to your saved searches.

If the same matches keep coming up over and over again because you’re not thinking outside the box at all, it’s a sure recipe for IDD. With a little creative searching outside your typical comfort zone, you may open up a whole new world of prospects you didn’t previously have on your radar. “Dating means being brave and allowing yourself to experience new things,” says Burbach. “It takes courage to meet new people, so for every person who doesn’t work out, think of it in terms of climbing one large mountain…each date who’s not a good match means you’re one step closer to finding the one that’s definitely right for you.”

And when you finally find The One — well, there is nothing boring about that!

Kimberly Dawn Neumann (www.KDNeumann.com) is a New York City-based freelance writer whose work has appeared in Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Women’s Health, Marie Claire, Maxim and more. A frequent online contributor for Match.com’s Happen magazine, she’s also the author of The Real Reasons Men Commit and Sex Comes First as well as the founder of www.DatingDivaDaily.com.

5 Things That Keep You From Settling Down
By Julie H. Case

Disney movies bring us romantic tales of glass slippers and coma-reviving kisses. Hollywood shows us we’ll be so overwhelmed we won’t be able to resist it. Our friends say, “When it’s right, you’ll just know.” And yet, years into a relationship, many men and women haven’t a clue whether they are dating the person they should make their spouse... or just another great someone.

For many of us, falling in love — and deciding that yes, this time it’s meant to last forever — is not as easy as it seems.

It’s easy to get stuck in relationship limbo...
“I always thought I’d have this magical moment where I would meet someone and there’d be this instant clicking and we would literally be married six months later,” says Katja, a D.C.-based program manager for the Department of State while referring to her long-term boyfriend, Rob. “I never, ever thought I’d be the girl that was dating the guy for six years and going nowhere,” she admits.

It’s not that there’s a lot wrong with Rob. Quite the opposite, in fact. “He’s the person I’ve been waiting to meet forever,” Katja says. “We have tons in common; I’ve never gotten bored of him.” And yet, Katja remains seriously into her boyfriend, but maybe not enough to marry him.

So, what keeps so many seemingly smart men and women from deciding that the person they’re with is The One?

1. Your list of “must-haves” for a romantic partner is unattainable
One of the biggest sticking points for people, says counseling psychologist Dr. Linda Young, is having a long list of characteristics that are considered essential for both a partner and the relationship. This lengthy list of essentials can be self-defeating, since it’s unlikely you’ll meet anyone who meets every requirement on that list.

“People have a lot of difficulty accepting a person or a relationship that is good enough,” says Young. By good enough, Young does not mean settling. She means recognizing someone who shares your values and characteristics.

After spending all our 20s and parts of our 30s hearing, “I can have it all!” we can’t help but believe that means the whole pie, perfection à la mode, no compromising. Few potential mates, it seems, can measure up to such standards. Or, more succinctly, a lot of people have become too picky, and too picky has become the standard.

“We expect so much from ourselves at work; we expect a lot from ourselves even recreationally,” says Young. “We rank and rate everything, especially since the Internet has become the norm — and we rank partners, even — without realizing that something can be good enough without being 95 percent of what we want.”

2. You’re unwilling to compromise in relationships
Many of us don’t focus hard enough (or long enough) on what makes a relationship truly satisfying and sustainable over a lifetime. Being more forgiving of a partner’s faults or more flexible about another person’s annoying habits may be difficult, but the ability to compromise matters. Instead, many of us are looking to wherever the grass appears to be greener.

Love, it seems, has torn a page out of the economics textbook. It’s a classic case of maximizers versus satisfiers. Maximizers are always looking for the newest and best thing available. If, one thinks, I stop looking for the best possible option, if I accept this person’s flaws, I won’t have the best partner I could possibly have.

Those are the people who might have trouble committing to anything, says Young, “whether it’s a house, a stereo or a person, because they are constantly looking for ways to tweak it — to make it better.”

On the other hand, the satisfier is someone who recognizes the things that make something — or someone — great, and doesn’t keep looking for something bigger or better.

3. You’re afraid of intimacy
The other challenge for many may be in letting another person in. After spending much of our 20s and early 30s building a career, honoring the idea that it’s important to be successful and dating with the knowledge that most relationships will end, we build up a defense mechanism. When we finally decide we do want to settle down, we have to take down the walls we’ve built up. “One of the ways we protect ourselves is to learn how to not go all in, and then when you want to get married you have to figure out how to go all in,” says Young.

Take, for example, Katja and Rob. Both are incredibly independent people, Katja most of all. That love of independence might be hindering their progression as a couple. “It gets in the way of my relationships sometimes,” Katja says, a twinge of regret cutting through her laugh.

And all that independence can lead to some serious indecision, which is something Laurel from Seattle, WA, knows a thing or two about. Seven years into her relationship, she wondered if her boyfriend was husband material. So, how did Laurel decide that he was The One?

“I spent some time imagining my life without him,” says Laurel, “and I didn’t like it one bit.” Now, eight years into her marriage, the 42-year-old and her husband are trying for a second child.

Deciding you’d rather be with someone than without is a good, realistic place to start. It’s also important to figure out what the few, really critical criteria are in choosing a potential mate — such as religion or a shared culture. In the end, it’s values that matter, not attributes.

4. You pick partners that share your interests, but not your values and goals
Young admits she’s fascinated by online dating profiles, where many people list “important traits” that are actually things they themselves prefer to do: “Must like hiking. Must enjoy ska music. Must love long walks on the beach at sunset.” Young points out that “those things are not very important when it comes down to a long-term, satisfying relationship. The really important stuff is how your basic character traits and personality features complement each other, and where you are similar on the things that matter most to you. You really need to know what your values are before you can know if someone else shares them.”

Shared fundamental values — from the way you express affection, to religion, to how you handle responsibility or are accountable to others — are the most important criteria.

People tend to discount how much these values matter, argues Young. Daters say that honesty is important, but then other things they want — not value, but want — get in the way of making good decisions. If you’re single and you find someone charming, confident and successful, then suddenly the characteristics that make a relationship work come in a distant second.

And, she says, don’t dismiss physical chemistry if you’re looking for the Americanized version of love, which includes a lifetime of romance. Yes, physical attraction can grow over time, but if you have none to begin with it’s not going to manifest itself over time. You can’t construct something out of nothing.

5. You believe there’s only one soul mate out there waiting for you
“I think some people still have this fantasy notion that there’s going to be just one Mr. or Ms. Right. So when they have someone they’ve been with who displays many of these characteristics and they get along just fine together, these daters still think, ‘well, it doesn’t feel magical, like having a soul mate is supposed to feel’,” says Young. “It’s not always going to feel that way.”

But, she argues, by taking a good look at your own place in the world and your values, you can recognize whether you’re dating the person you’re going to stay with long-term — or simply dating around.

Julie H. Case is a freelance writer based in Seattle. Her work has appeared in magazines such as Sunset, Alaska Airlines Magazine and Wired.

 The Glass is Half Empty?

So, now we are a little more relaxed after some rest, I hope.  Then tell me, why are we still thinking in the negative. Come on, cheer up. This is another beautigul day. Revel in it. How can you do that when everything  YOU see around you appear in shades of grey or black?  Are you really looking at the same thing I am looking at? Look again.  Good.  Look a little longer.  Now, look at the glass again. What do you see?  Yes, yes, it's HALF FULL. Not bad at all.   

See what happens when you try to dwell on positives? Now look around again...Oh, now you ask what happen to the blacks and shades of grey?  Well, they weren't really there.  Everything always look just aa they are now.  It's just that for a sad moment you choose not to see it.  Well, let me restate that.  You couldn't see it. 

I know you are trying, sometimes too hard, I think.  Relax.  Take a deep breath, and exhale. Close your eyes for a moment if that works better for you.  Now think about a time when you were the happiest you can remember.  Yesssss.   No, not then. Think about something else.  Something that you and only you were responsible for.  Wasn't that a good time?  Can you imagine yourself in that moment again for just a few minutes?  Just try it and see.  OK, that feels good, doesn't it?   

Could you share that experiemce with anyone?  Would You?  You said yes. Then go ahead and do it?    

The point?  When we look at the world we see different things depending on the frame of mind we are in at that particular moment. It is really hard to stay positive and upbeat all of the time. I know, because I can't do that either.  But guess what?  When we actually deliberately try to snap ourselves out of the doldrums, we can succeed. 

It will not be easy for everyone. But for those of us who can, it is amazing how good we can feel.  You know, some people pop a pill or two during times of low morale and low self worth.  They sometimes call it stresss relief.  Don't feel sorry for them.  Feel their pain because that could be us, if we didn't get some measure of success from out personal, private introspection.     

Yes, this world is one messed up place. But some of us are dealing with it. Yea, we figure out a way to make all the negatives work for our benifit. Isn't that amazing?  So, how often do you share this with anyone? Come on, at least try.  You think people will laugh at you?  Some might but they will definitely have something to thing or talk about later. 

While they are talking about it someone else will hear and probably understand the whole concept.  It's like paying it forward, but with positive thoughts and vibes.  See what I am getting at?  Soon, very soon, there will be a whole bunch of positive people walking around.  Maybe not as many as we hope, but the number will definitely increase.  

I am a praying person. I just can't live without prayer.  The good thing about prayer is that, you can do it anytime, anywhere, and anyhow you like.  Yea, Positive Reinforcement right in your head.  Isn't that cool.  No one has to know that you pray, if you don't want them to know.  You could whisper, you could shout, mumble sing, or just think it. Awesome, right?  Now exercise your spirituality if you are so inclined.   

For those of you who don't pray, just think POSITIVE thoughts.  Yes, it's hard but try HARDER. At the end of the day, you will find yourself much happier and everything will appear in vibrant colors like they did during that happy time.  T-H-I-N-K  P-O-S-I-T-I-V-E  T-H-O-U-G-H-T-S.  Share the new vibes with me.