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Are You Suffering From IDD?

3/31/2011

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Are You Suffering From IDD?
 By Kimberly Dawn Neumann

You sit down at your computer, open up your online dating profile, get ready to dive in and suddenly you find yourself yawning…apathy alert! You realize you don’t care, close the computer, grab a snack and flip on some quality reality TV, like The Bachelor Pad. While it’s true that curling up with a bag of Cheetos and watching other people make out can actually sound quite appealing, in the reality dating show starring you, this behavior is not going to put you any closer to real-life romance. You’ve come down with a case of the Internet dating doldrums (IDD)!

Whether it stems from the fact that you’ve been online dating for months and haven’t found the right match yet, or that you’re possibly overworked and the thought of adding one more scheduled e-chat session or happy hour date to your busy schedule feels overwhelming, online dating boredom can happen to even the most diligent of daters. So, what can you do when cyber-ennui hits? Keep reading to reinvigorate your waning romantic resolve.

IDD Fix #1: Go on an “online dating diet”
Okay, this may sound counterintuitive to advocate taking a break from looking for potential dates, but if you’ve got a bad case of IDD, it might be time to shed some cyber-weight. We’re not suggesting that you “unsubscribe” — we’re just saying you should step away from your profile for a bit and give your shoulders a break from the weighty pressure you’re associating with the whole experience. “Go out, have fun, read a book, get a massage… do anything but think about online dating,” suggests Cherie Burbach, an expert at defeating online dating boredom (Burbach went on over 60 coffee dates in six months before meeting her husband) and the author of Internet Dating is Not Like Ordering a Pizza.

“When you go back to it, your attitude and approach will be renewed and you’ll have much more success…a happy and content person attracts more dates.” By sticking to an online dating diet for a week or two — i.e., no searching, no replying to emails, and if you can stand it, not even logging into your account — when you finally do log back on, you’ll be super-excited to see who has winked at you, all the new members who have signed up and you may even realize you’ve missed the thrill of it all.

IDD Fix #2: Rethink your dating objectives
If you’re putting too much stress on yourself by thinking that you have to find Mr. or Ms. Right-This-Second and then feeling despair when you don’t, well, your cyber-dating experience is probably starting to feel like cyber-torture. It’s time to mentally reframe the whole process! “The object of putting up an online dating profile is simply to try and meet someone you might want to date,” says Burbach. “Don’t think, ‘I want to find a lifelong mate.’ Instead, try thinking: ‘I want to find someone to meet for coffee.’” By relieving the self-imposed pressure of finding a spouse (and nothing less), you’ll free yourself up to meet all kinds of interesting people just for coffee and conversation rather than “happily ever after” (though that could be a nice payoff in the end…you never know!).

IDD Fix #3: Email your second-string matches
You know those profiles that you added to your “Favorites” list just so you could find them again because you think you could maybe, possibly be interested — but you just aren’t sure? Stop hemming and hawing about those “maybes” and shoot those people an email already! “You might have a great profile that conveys your personality, but not everyone else in the system will,” says Burbach. “Your online matches might not be putting their best foot forward, but if you email them and meet someone for coffee, your opinion could change.”

In other words, if you’re only communicating with the few people online that you think look like your perfect match in theory, you could be missing out on meeting your “real” match (someone who doesn’t know how to write a great profile, but is actually fantastic in person). Stepping outside your comfort zone is a great way to squash your IDD, because even if this “maybe” really isn’t a match, at least you’ve been more proactive!

IDD Fix #4: Mix up where you choose to meet up
It’s easy to get in a dating rut, right? Of course it’s convenient for you to meet your online dating prospect du jour at the same coffee house you ALWAYS go to (the staff may even know your usual order and be following along in your dating progress). But where is the excitement in that? It’s little wonder you have IDD if your routine has fallen into “same venue, different online date and day/meeting time.” Take this opportunity to branch out into unknown venues.

If you make your online dating experience not only about meeting new people, but also about trying out places that you’ve never been before…well, hello fun! Even if the guy or gal doesn’t share a spark with you, it won’t be a total waste of time because you’ll also have explored a new date locale. “Changing your regular meeting place adds interest and decreases boredom while you’re waiting for your date to arrive,” explains Burbach.

IDD Fix #5: Search outside your comfort zone
Okay, so you’ve reached a point in your life where you know exactly what you want in a partner... we get it. But what happens if you change that criteria just a wee little bit when you’re setting up your next search? We’re not suggesting you make an extreme switch — you don’t have to go from searching for quiet, bookish types to Harley fanatics. Review your list of “must-haves” again: couldn’t you loosen up a parameter or two? For example, try increasing or decreasing the height range you’re seeking by an inch, add a couple of years to the age range you’ve selected, or perhaps expand your search area from a five-mile radius to 100 miles. You never know who might pop up with the slightest “I’m seeking” tweaking to your saved searches.

If the same matches keep coming up over and over again because you’re not thinking outside the box at all, it’s a sure recipe for IDD. With a little creative searching outside your typical comfort zone, you may open up a whole new world of prospects you didn’t previously have on your radar. “Dating means being brave and allowing yourself to experience new things,” says Burbach. “It takes courage to meet new people, so for every person who doesn’t work out, think of it in terms of climbing one large mountain…each date who’s not a good match means you’re one step closer to finding the one that’s definitely right for you.”

And when you finally find The One — well, there is nothing boring about that!

Kimberly Dawn Neumann (www.KDNeumann.com) is a New York City-based freelance writer whose work has appeared in Cosmopolitan, Redbook, Women’s Health, Marie Claire, Maxim and more. A frequent online contributor for Match.com’s Happen magazine, she’s also the author of The Real Reasons Men Commit and Sex Comes First as well as the founder of www.DatingDivaDaily.com.

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5 Things That Keep You From Settling Down

3/21/2011

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5 Things That Keep You From Settling Down
By Julie H. Case

Disney movies bring us romantic tales of glass slippers and coma-reviving kisses. Hollywood shows us we’ll be so overwhelmed we won’t be able to resist it. Our friends say, “When it’s right, you’ll just know.” And yet, years into a relationship, many men and women haven’t a clue whether they are dating the person they should make their spouse... or just another great someone.

For many of us, falling in love — and deciding that yes, this time it’s meant to last forever — is not as easy as it seems.

It’s easy to get stuck in relationship limbo...
“I always thought I’d have this magical moment where I would meet someone and there’d be this instant clicking and we would literally be married six months later,” says Katja, a D.C.-based program manager for the Department of State while referring to her long-term boyfriend, Rob. “I never, ever thought I’d be the girl that was dating the guy for six years and going nowhere,” she admits.

It’s not that there’s a lot wrong with Rob. Quite the opposite, in fact. “He’s the person I’ve been waiting to meet forever,” Katja says. “We have tons in common; I’ve never gotten bored of him.” And yet, Katja remains seriously into her boyfriend, but maybe not enough to marry him.

So, what keeps so many seemingly smart men and women from deciding that the person they’re with is The One?

1. Your list of “must-haves” for a romantic partner is unattainable
One of the biggest sticking points for people, says counseling psychologist Dr. Linda Young, is having a long list of characteristics that are considered essential for both a partner and the relationship. This lengthy list of essentials can be self-defeating, since it’s unlikely you’ll meet anyone who meets every requirement on that list.

“People have a lot of difficulty accepting a person or a relationship that is good enough,” says Young. By good enough, Young does not mean settling. She means recognizing someone who shares your values and characteristics.

After spending all our 20s and parts of our 30s hearing, “I can have it all!” we can’t help but believe that means the whole pie, perfection à la mode, no compromising. Few potential mates, it seems, can measure up to such standards. Or, more succinctly, a lot of people have become too picky, and too picky has become the standard.

“We expect so much from ourselves at work; we expect a lot from ourselves even recreationally,” says Young. “We rank and rate everything, especially since the Internet has become the norm — and we rank partners, even — without realizing that something can be good enough without being 95 percent of what we want.”

2. You’re unwilling to compromise in relationships
Many of us don’t focus hard enough (or long enough) on what makes a relationship truly satisfying and sustainable over a lifetime. Being more forgiving of a partner’s faults or more flexible about another person’s annoying habits may be difficult, but the ability to compromise matters. Instead, many of us are looking to wherever the grass appears to be greener.

Love, it seems, has torn a page out of the economics textbook. It’s a classic case of maximizers versus satisfiers. Maximizers are always looking for the newest and best thing available. If, one thinks, I stop looking for the best possible option, if I accept this person’s flaws, I won’t have the best partner I could possibly have.

Those are the people who might have trouble committing to anything, says Young, “whether it’s a house, a stereo or a person, because they are constantly looking for ways to tweak it — to make it better.”

On the other hand, the satisfier is someone who recognizes the things that make something — or someone — great, and doesn’t keep looking for something bigger or better.

3. You’re afraid of intimacy
The other challenge for many may be in letting another person in. After spending much of our 20s and early 30s building a career, honoring the idea that it’s important to be successful and dating with the knowledge that most relationships will end, we build up a defense mechanism. When we finally decide we do want to settle down, we have to take down the walls we’ve built up. “One of the ways we protect ourselves is to learn how to not go all in, and then when you want to get married you have to figure out how to go all in,” says Young.

Take, for example, Katja and Rob. Both are incredibly independent people, Katja most of all. That love of independence might be hindering their progression as a couple. “It gets in the way of my relationships sometimes,” Katja says, a twinge of regret cutting through her laugh.

And all that independence can lead to some serious indecision, which is something Laurel from Seattle, WA, knows a thing or two about. Seven years into her relationship, she wondered if her boyfriend was husband material. So, how did Laurel decide that he was The One?

“I spent some time imagining my life without him,” says Laurel, “and I didn’t like it one bit.” Now, eight years into her marriage, the 42-year-old and her husband are trying for a second child.

Deciding you’d rather be with someone than without is a good, realistic place to start. It’s also important to figure out what the few, really critical criteria are in choosing a potential mate — such as religion or a shared culture. In the end, it’s values that matter, not attributes.

4. You pick partners that share your interests, but not your values and goals
Young admits she’s fascinated by online dating profiles, where many people list “important traits” that are actually things they themselves prefer to do: “Must like hiking. Must enjoy ska music. Must love long walks on the beach at sunset.” Young points out that “those things are not very important when it comes down to a long-term, satisfying relationship. The really important stuff is how your basic character traits and personality features complement each other, and where you are similar on the things that matter most to you. You really need to know what your values are before you can know if someone else shares them.”

Shared fundamental values — from the way you express affection, to religion, to how you handle responsibility or are accountable to others — are the most important criteria.

People tend to discount how much these values matter, argues Young. Daters say that honesty is important, but then other things they want — not value, but want — get in the way of making good decisions. If you’re single and you find someone charming, confident and successful, then suddenly the characteristics that make a relationship work come in a distant second.

And, she says, don’t dismiss physical chemistry if you’re looking for the Americanized version of love, which includes a lifetime of romance. Yes, physical attraction can grow over time, but if you have none to begin with it’s not going to manifest itself over time. You can’t construct something out of nothing.

5. You believe there’s only one soul mate out there waiting for you
“I think some people still have this fantasy notion that there’s going to be just one Mr. or Ms. Right. So when they have someone they’ve been with who displays many of these characteristics and they get along just fine together, these daters still think, ‘well, it doesn’t feel magical, like having a soul mate is supposed to feel’,” says Young. “It’s not always going to feel that way.”

But, she argues, by taking a good look at your own place in the world and your values, you can recognize whether you’re dating the person you’re going to stay with long-term — or simply dating around.

Julie H. Case is a freelance writer based in Seattle. Her work has appeared in magazines such as Sunset, Alaska Airlines Magazine and Wired.
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6 Misunderstood First-Date Signs

3/10/2011

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6 Misunderstood First-Date Signs
By Julie Taylor

You’re on a first date, and it’s going horribly. Or is it? It turns out that it’s all a matter of perspective. The elements that are making your date a disaster could actually signal something much sweeter. Read on for the six signs that your doomed date is anything but.

1. Your date is not your type
Sure, you’ve seen your date’s photo on his or her profile — but when you meet face to face, you realize the person is so not your type. “Next!,” you say? Not so fast. “Remember that there are thousands of happy couples out there who are not each other’s type,” says Janice MacLeod, coauthor of The Dating Repair Kit. By ruling out someone just because he or she does not meet your romance requisites, you are cutting yourself off from a world of possibilities.

When Jenna, 32, of Key West, FL, met Jeremy, she thought it would never work. After all, he was three inches shorter than she was and was a bit scruffy for her taste. “I wanted to leave instantly, but I had agreed to dinner and didn’t want to be rude,” she says. “Once I got past the superficial stuff, I realized what a gem of a guy he was, and to my surprise, our souls totally clicked. I never thought my soul mate would come in a package like his, but it happened. The lesson? Never say never, no matter what your ‘type’ may be.”

If your date isn’t your type, try redefining your “type” in terms of how a person treats you and makes you feel. This will instantly broaden your dating horizons. “Then vow to finish out the date, come what may,” MacLeod concludes. “Just be in the
moment, and give chemistry a chance to grow and prosper.”

2. Your date is super-nervous
When Jennifer, 38, of Las Vegas, NV, was on her first date with Bob, she couldn’t help but notice that his voice was shaking. And his hands were trembling. And he was sweating buckets, right through his shirt. “I thought something was seriously wrong with this guy,” she recalls. “I had no intentions of dating him again.” But luckily for Jennifer (and Bob), she changed her mind and decided to give him a second chance. “The next date, he was much more chilled out and relaxed,” she continues. “He later told me he was nervous because I was the most beautiful woman he’d ever met. That was a good enough reason for me!”

Extreme nervousness on a first date could be a good sign, says MacLeod. “It probably means this person likes you a whole lot,” she says, “and might need a few dates to get past the initial set of jitters.”

When your date is super-nervous, put him or her at ease by being deliberate and calm yourself. Take a few deep breaths, smile, and make eye contact. “It helps to be compassionate and understanding about what the other person is going through,” MacLeod advises. “A first date isn’t necessarily easy, especially if you’re super-nervous to begin with, so try to cut your date some slack.”

3. Your date tells you there are other people in the picture
It’s your first dinner date. Between the hot wings and the halibut, she drops it on you: she’s just out of a major breakup and is seeing a few other men at the moment. Instant date-killer, right? Wrong, says MacLeod: “This full disclosure means your date is very honest,” she says. “She’s laying all her cards on the table and not pretending to be someone she’s not.”

Over appetizers, Bob, 29, of Colorado Springs, CO, learned more than he ever wanted to know about his date, Jill. “She told me she was dating another guy, but they weren’t totally serious — they were more like friends with benefits,” he recalls. His response to her confession? “I paid the tab and told her to call me if she ever dumped her so-called ‘friend,’” he recalls. Four weeks later, she did — and Bob and Jill began dating in earnest. “She later explained that she liked me so much, she didn’t want to lead me on during that first date,” he says. “In retrospect, I guess I can respect that.”

If your date tells you he or she is dating other people, just be happy no secrets are being kept from you. (After all, it’s better to know now than later.) However, if the bombshell your date drops is more of the “I’ve cheated on every person I’ve ever been with” variety, this is a major red flag, according to MacLeod... beware!

4. You argue
You’re having a nice, normal, getting-to-know-you conversation when suddenly you have a difference of opinion. What begins as a friendly disagreement quickly escalates into an all-out fight. Whether you’re arguing over politics, religion, or even the merits of VH1’s current reality show lineup, an argument on a first date never feels like a good sign. But a fight can actually be a very good thing. If you’re arguing, it can mean there’s passion between you. Sparks are flying — sure, maybe not in the way you’d hoped, but they’re still there. “Arguing can lead into interesting conversation, which is part of what keeps a relationship alive,” says MacLeod.

When 28-year-old Noah, of Burbank, CA, met Lillian, they instantly clashed. “It felt like we couldn’t see eye-to-eye on anything that first date,” he recalls. “She was a vegetarian, and I ordered a rib-eye steak. An hour-long debate on animal rights ensued.” Despite the meat melee, their connection was still meaty enough to merit a second date. “She was my opposite, sure, but being with her was never boring,” he says.

The next time you find yourself in a heated argument with a new date, try embracing your differences. After all, who’d want to date a clone of him- or herself? Agree to disagree, then search for common ground.

5. The date feels more like an interview
The entire time Mark, 41, of Plano, TX, was out with Jackie, he felt like he was in the hot seat. “She just kept asking me question after question — where I was from, what my favorite ice cream flavor was, where I wanted to be in five years,” he says. “It was really uncomfortable, and it was hard to feel a vibe or any sparks over all the interview-speak.”

If your date spends the whole time you’re together shooting questions at you in rapid-fire succession and giving you the hard sell, it could just mean that he or she is impressed by you and is simply trying too hard, says MacLeod. That was the case for Mark and Jackie: “Once I ‘passed’ her pre-screening interview, she let her true self come out — and that’s when we actually started to have some fun,” he recalls.

When your date is grilling you, attempt to turn it around and ask some questions of your own. That way, it won’t feel so one-sided. If you have a second date, MacLeod suggests catching a movie. “That way, you won’t have to talk the whole time,” she says. After your first-date chatfest, it will be a nice break.

6. There’s no goodnight kiss
If your date isn’t sealed with a kiss, it doesn’t always mean you’re getting the kiss-off. In fact, a sans-smooch soiree could even be a good thing, according to MacLeod. “Not kissing you on a first date very often means he’s being respectful,” she says. “He’s waiting for the perfect moment to have that great first kiss, like people have in movies. Plus, this means he’s probably not kissing all his other first dates, either. He’s too selective to just give his kisses away.”

Judy, 32, of Baltimore, says her current boyfriend waited four whole dates to kiss her. “I was wondering if he just wanted to be pals or what,” she recalls. “It turns out that he’s really old-fashioned. He just wanted us to build a friendship before we took things to the next level. The wait made our first kiss even that much more spectacular. I think we both saw fireworks!”

In the absence of a smooch, look for other signs of attraction. Does your date make eye contact, give you undivided attention, and make you feel like you’re the only person in the room? In this case, actions speak louder than… no action. Hang in there, and you may well be smooching in no time.

Julie Taylor has written for Cosmopolitan and Redbook and is the coauthor of How to Be a Dominant Diva. She and her now-husband’s first date was less than perfect — but she’s eternally grateful she gave him a second chance!


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How To Get Back Into the Dating Scene

3/6/2011

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How To Get Back Into the Dating Scene

When the dust settles and life gets back to normal, you will find yourself with thoughts of dating. You may miss the companionship of the opposite sex and we all know that developing a new relationship means dating.

If you jump back in with both feet you may find that dating isn’t like “riding a bike.” If it’s been a while since you have dated you are going to need to fine tune those old dating skills a bit. Dating after divorce is a daunting experience. So, I’ve put together some tips on how to help you get back into the dating game and enjoy your new found freedom.

Difficulty: Easy  Time Required: That is up to the individual   Here's How:
  1. Leave the details of your divorce at home. Nothing is more unattractive than prattling on and on about the problems in your past relationship. The subject is bound to come up and when it does keep it brief and focus your attention on your date and having a good time in that moment. You can be open and honest with your date without spilling your guts.

  2. Be yourself.  Relax and let the real you shine. Dating is about getting to know the other person. Finding out if that person has traits we like and whether or not we care for a second date. Keep in mind that your date is probably anxious also and wanting to make a good impression. Be yourself and encourage your date to do the same. Smiling and enjoying the moment is contagious and before you know it, you both will be at ease with the situation.

  3. It’s a date, not a therapy session.  If you’ve been through a divorce, especially after a long term marriage then you have probably been to therapy. Maybe you learned in therapy that your insecurities in relationships stems from the fact that you learned to avoid conflict as a child and that your mother is a narcissist. This might all be interesting to you but be assured; your date will only think you nuts if you share too much information. Keep it between yourself and your therapist.

  4. Show some interest.  Pay attention to your date, get to know the person you are having dinner with. Ask questions and listening with genuine interest. Nothing is more flattering to another individual than knowing what they have to say matters. The more questions you ask, the more knowledge you will gain which will help in determining whether or not there will be a second date.

  5. Don’t get too serious.  Date for the sake of dating. Give yourself the opportunity to meet new people and have some fun before looking for your next serious relationship. It will keep you from jumping out of the frying pan into the fire!

  6. Ending the date.  How the date ends is up to you. Whether to kiss at the end of the date or ask your date to sleep over is totally your call. Do what feels right for you and your date. At the end of the date if all you want is to flag down a taxi and head for home then you are free to make that choice. However it ends, remember to be courteous at the end of the night. We are all human and deserve respect no matter how the date goes.

Tips:
  1. The key to successful post divorce dating is to have fun with it. You have to let go of the past and give yourself permission to be happy with life as it is and yourself. You are an attractive, worthy individual who deserves the attention and fun. Get out and enjoy yourself!

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Marriage Is Over, Divorce is Final...Ready To Date Again?

3/4/2011

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Marriage Is Over,  Divorce is Final...Ready To Date Again?

It’s one thing to finally feel ready to rejoin the dating world after a divorce or the death of a spouse, but actually taking those first baby steps to do something about it is a whole other story. It’s a lot to grapple with: How are you supposed to meet people? What if people think you’re dating too soon — or too long — after your marriage? How do you explain why you’re single? What do people even talk about on dates?

“Going from being married to single again can be an identity crisis for many people,” says life coach Anthony Riche, Ph.D., author of Finally! How to Stop Dating Losers Forever. “You may feel like you’re back in high school having to ‘relearn’ how to date again, but there are steps you can take to regain your confidence.” That’s why we talked to experts to find out the biggest concerns freshly-singled daters have, and came up with this list of seven crucial steps—any of which you can start doing today to put yourself on the road to romance.

Browse around
With millions of members, dating sites aren’t just a good way to meet people, they’re a good way to see what the whole dating scene is about right now. On many sites, you can create an account to browse from without having to put up any information at all; others offer free trials. “Sign on and get acquainted with what’s out there—and who’s out there,” says psychotherapist Tina Tessina, Ph.D., author of The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again. “Look at the profiles — both men and women’s — to see how it works.” Looking through the list of available partners can give you an idea of just how un-alone you are in the quest for the right relationship. And scouring ads of people of the same sex can give you insight into how to craft a profile. You’ll start to see what works and what doesn’t for both sexes: the types of profiles that look careless or clichéd, vs. the descriptions that really come alive. Put that info to use when you’re ready to craft your own profile.

Practice, practice, practice
Being charming on a date is easier when you’re already used to being charming in real life. So before you get out there one-on-one, remember what it’s like to meet, greet, and get to know strangers. “The key is becoming comfortable being social and open again,” says Dr. Riche. “Start by going out with friends and then joining activities with both sexes until you’re used to having conversations and interactions with strangers.”

“Finding groups online is a great way to get to know people and find interest groups,” says the recently re-married Karen Abraham, who founded YoungCancerSpouses.org after her husband died when she was 28. “You can balance being social while you nurse crushes or even find people to, as I put it, ‘practice date’ until you’re 100 percent ready for a serious relationship.” Sign up for stuff you’re genuinely interested in—whether that’s a wild and crazy bowling league or a local political volunteer group. Not only will you get more comfortable at making the right kind of small talk, you’ll have lots more stories to talk about on the date. Another plus: “Even if your group is all women, they may have brothers or friends or husband’s friends to set you up with,” says Abraham.

Rehearse the tough stuff
Being widowed or divorced is no picnic, but the thought of having to answer questions about it adds extra pain. The good news is, you don’t have to (nor should you) unpack your past on any date until you really trust the person and want him or her to know the details. Other than giving the types of brief explanations you’d offer up to, say, a new co-worker who asks over lunch about your status (“I was recently divorced” or “I moved here with my late husband”), you’re off the hook. “A simple statement can let your date know the facts, and that you’ve found closure and are in an OK place to date again,” says Russell Friedman, co-author of Moving On. He recommends responding to any further questions with a line like, “I’ve done a lot to deal with the impact of that relationship, and I feel ready to get out there again.” The only time that won’t work? If you actually haven’t found closure, in which case your nonverbal behavior, whether it’s gritting your teeth at the mention of your ex or breaking down over how great things were with your late spouse… so don’t try to fake it.

Of course, when you and a date have both survived a dramatic event — a divorce, a death, the cancellation of a favorite TV series — it’s natural to bond over some of what you went through. But rehashing the drama often gets too personal, too fast. The danger is that when two people share an overload of information, they often mistake it for actually being compatible and rush into a serious relationship. So have a handy line in mind to steer these conversations back to safe ground if you find yourself thinking, “This is getting too deep for a first/third/whatever-it-is date”). Friedman recommends saying something like, “You know, that might be a little more detail than I’m up for right now.” It’s simple, honest, and shows that you’re interested in getting to know your date, not just his or her baggage.

Reconnect with certain friends
Remember all those non-hooked-up friends who never came to couples’ nights and got bored every time your talk turned to problems with the kiddies? Those same pals can be your best allies right about now. From the best places to go on dates to the most common uh-oh’s to watch out for to what it “means” when a date says he or she will call and then doesn’t, they get it. “Take the advice of a friend who’s dating the way you’d like to do it, not a buddy who, say, sleeps around if you’re not into that,” says Dr. Tessina. Remember these people have been living and breathing the life that you’re just re-entering. So ask them for help and input—they’ll likely be honored to feel like the relationship experts for once.

Outsource your options
Once you’re ready, launch a word-of-mouth marketing campaign for your hottest product: yourself. Let people in your life — friends, co-workers, people at church, your trainer, the folks at that new knitting group you just joined to practice making conversation — know that you’re looking to date and ask them to keep you in mind if they know or meet anyone great. “They’re likely to try and set you up with the right person, they’ll give you important information about the person, and you won’t find yourself fishing for things to talk about on that first date,” says Dr. Riche. Remember, the more people you recruit to be your wingmen and women, the more quality prospects you’ll have to choose from.

Bring sexy back
Remember when you used to actually get dressed up to look good for a person of the opposite sex? Yeah, it may seem like forever ago, and to be honest, those same confidence-boosting clothes probably don’t fit, have gone out of style, or will have disappeared to the dark recesses of your closet. So get out there and find a few key items that make you look amazing. It doesn’t have to be a head-to-toe makeover; just a few pieces that highlight your best features or make you feel less self-conscious about your not-so-best ones. “How you present yourself to the world communicates how you feel about yourself,” says Dr. Riche. “Find out what kind of message you want to send, and make sure your look represents that.” However indulgent you feel going out and buying yourself something new is nothing compared to how self-conscious you’ll be if you feel uncomfortable or unattractive while you’re out with someone you want to win over.

Take your time
Now that you’ve finally made a date with someone, the hard part is over and you can go back to being a couple, right? We wish. Every date offers an opportunity for a new relationship, as well as the chance that this isn’t the right one. The expectation that you’ll meet one person, get together, and find intimacy and commitment is uncomfortable,” says Dr. Tessina. “No matter how hard people try to make that work, it doesn’t.” Many singles go through cycles of being burned out by the effort required to put themselves out there and take “downtime” from their dating life. When you’re newly single again, you may feel exhausted after only a date or two. So take a break as soon as you start feeling overwhelmed, and know that it isn’t a reflection on you as a widowed or divorced person, it’s all a natural part of your new identity: smart, available, and single.

By Caitlin Ascolese:  Caitlin Ascolese is a freelance writer in New York City.


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The Glass is Half Empty?

3/1/2011

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 The Glass is Half Empty?

So, now we are a little more relaxed after some rest, I hope.  Then tell me, why are we still thinking in the negative. Come on, cheer up. This is another beautigul day. Revel in it. How can you do that when everything  YOU see around you appear in shades of grey or black?  Are you really looking at the same thing I am looking at? Look again.  Good.  Look a little longer.  Now, look at the glass again. What do you see?  Yes, yes, it's HALF FULL. Not bad at all.   

See what happens when you try to dwell on positives? Now look around again...Oh, now you ask what happen to the blacks and shades of grey?  Well, they weren't really there.  Everything always look just aa they are now.  It's just that for a sad moment you choose not to see it.  Well, let me restate that.  You couldn't see it. 

I know you are trying, sometimes too hard, I think.  Relax.  Take a deep breath, and exhale. Close your eyes for a moment if that works better for you.  Now think about a time when you were the happiest you can remember.  Yesssss.   No, not then. Think about something else.  Something that you and only you were responsible for.  Wasn't that a good time?  Can you imagine yourself in that moment again for just a few minutes?  Just try it and see.  OK, that feels good, doesn't it?   

Could you share that experiemce with anyone?  Would You?  You said yes. Then go ahead and do it?    

The point?  When we look at the world we see different things depending on the frame of mind we are in at that particular moment. It is really hard to stay positive and upbeat all of the time. I know, because I can't do that either.  But guess what?  When we actually deliberately try to snap ourselves out of the doldrums, we can succeed. 

It will not be easy for everyone. But for those of us who can, it is amazing how good we can feel.  You know, some people pop a pill or two during times of low morale and low self worth.  They sometimes call it stresss relief.  Don't feel sorry for them.  Feel their pain because that could be us, if we didn't get some measure of success from out personal, private introspection.     

Yes, this world is one messed up place. But some of us are dealing with it. Yea, we figure out a way to make all the negatives work for our benifit. Isn't that amazing?  So, how often do you share this with anyone? Come on, at least try.  You think people will laugh at you?  Some might but they will definitely have something to thing or talk about later. 

While they are talking about it someone else will hear and probably understand the whole concept.  It's like paying it forward, but with positive thoughts and vibes.  See what I am getting at?  Soon, very soon, there will be a whole bunch of positive people walking around.  Maybe not as many as we hope, but the number will definitely increase.  

I am a praying person. I just can't live without prayer.  The good thing about prayer is that, you can do it anytime, anywhere, and anyhow you like.  Yea, Positive Reinforcement right in your head.  Isn't that cool.  No one has to know that you pray, if you don't want them to know.  You could whisper, you could shout, mumble sing, or just think it. Awesome, right?  Now exercise your spirituality if you are so inclined.   

For those of you who don't pray, just think POSITIVE thoughts.  Yes, it's hard but try HARDER. At the end of the day, you will find yourself much happier and everything will appear in vibrant colors like they did during that happy time.  T-H-I-N-K  P-O-S-I-T-I-V-E  T-H-O-U-G-H-T-S.  Share the new vibes with me.
  
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