Expectations in Relationships  
byVictoria Osteen

A couple of years ago, I was chatting with a young man who was sharing how the ministry had really helped him recover from a terrible divorce. He was saying that he just didn't understand what had gone wrong in his five-year marriage. "After all," he said, "we met through a very reputable matchmaking website. I guess I am living proof that those sites don't really work."

He went on to tell how he had filled out the profile and that his computer-matched wife had every quality he desired in a woman. As I listened, I could just imagine him filling out the profile much like one might custom order a car. He wanted a blond woman who loved the outdoors and quiet walks on the beach.

Perhaps he also ordered a woman who liked to keep a clean house, cook, and wanted exactly 3.5 children—two boys and one and a half girls! He even told me that he was able to request that she be of a certain Christian denomination.

Apparently, their problems began during the second year of their marriage when he realized that she didn't really meet all of his standards. He still wasn't sure if she had lied on the profile, or changed after they had gotten married, or if the system itself was flawed. He actually said to me, "They never asked 'are you willing to be there when your husband needs you?'"

This young man is a prime example of how people enter relationships with set standards and expectations. When people do not meet the standards we set, we become disenchanted with the relationship, allowing disappointment and frustration to set in. It's easy to get along with people when everything is going great and others are acting exactly the way we want them to. But what happens when something goes wrong and our feelings get hurt? If you're not careful, you'll begin to focus on the unmet expectations which will affect your attitude, and ultimately, your relationship.

But it doesn't have to be that way if we will just learn to have realistic expectations and let people off the hook. We can avoid a lot of heartache by simply giving people room to be human. We have to accept the fact that nobody is perfect, and even the best people will fail us at times. We have to choose forgiveness because it is not up to anyone in our lives to keep us happy; that is our own responsibility.

Too often, we want our mate to cheer us up when we are down; we expect our partner to always be loving and kind. We expect our boss to recognize our hard work and our friends to always be there for us. But those are unrealistic expectations. The perfect spouse does not exist, nor does the perfect boss, nor the perfect friend.

We would avoid a lot of disappointments by simply understanding that no matter how much we love people, no matter how much they love us, at some point, they won't live up to our expectations, or they will hurt our feelings in some way. But when we get our eyes off their shortcomings and on to Jesus, we open the door for His grace and healing in our relationships. We open the door for love which is all that matters in eternity.

Draining the Pain of Hurt Feelings 


Job, the great sufferer in the Bible said, "Even now my witness is in heaven. My advocate is there on high. My friends scorn me, but I pour out my tears to God." 
Job 16:19-20 (NLT). 

A Daily Encounter reader who has been hurt deeply asks, "Do you have any insight into dealing with the strong emotions that arise from being deeply hurt and wounded?

Dear Fred (not his real name), one way you can help "drain the pain" of hurt feelings is to write out your feelings. David did this in several of his Psalms. I think he was a man after God's own heart—not because of his behavior—but because of his being open and honest with himself and with God. When you write, write as if you are writing a letter to the one who hurt you. 

Express all your feelings in all their intensity to this person. Then read the letter to God telling him that this is exactly the way you feel (he knows it anyhow)—then tear up the letter and destroy it. Write again and again doing the same thing until all your hurt and angry feelings are dissipated. But never, never, never send one of these letters to anybody. At a later time, should you feel a need to write or contact the person in question, remember always to write and speak the truth in love—never in blaming anger.

God also gave us tears to help drain the pain of hurt feelings. So give yourself permission to weep with all your heart. The fact is, until we have learned to weep with all our heart, we are not free to love with all our heart. Tears, however, are for expressing grief … not anger. Anger needs to be expressed in writing, verbalized, or both. 

Also, everyone needs at least one person he/she can trust implicitly with whom to share his/her feelings. It needs to be an understanding and caring person, who listens and accepts us with all our hurt and angry feelings, but won't give us advice, preach at us, or tell us what we should or shouldn't do or feel. And, if necessary, have several sessions with a qualified Christian counselor to help you work through and resolve your feelings.

And of course be sure to tell God exactly how you feel and to lead you to the help you need to resolve your hurt and angry feelings so you can get to a point of genuine forgiveness. Failing to forgive will only hurt you. It's "like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die."

Suggested prayer:   "Dear God, thank you that you always understand what I am feeling and will always accept me when I openly and honestly confess and share my feelings with you no matter what those feelings are. Help me always to be honest with myself and with you and please help me find a faithful friend with whom I can feel safe to be open and honest—a friend who will always love and accept me no matter how I feel. Thank you for hearing and answering my prayer. Gratefully, in Jesus' name, amen." 

Three Powerful Truths to Help Your Marriage

You know the saying, "Marriages are made in Heaven, but they sure take a lot of maintenance on earth!"

That's the truth!

Great marriages take work and it's worth the work!

Many times people go from relationship to another seeking the perfect relationship. They can't seem to maintain relationships, bailing out whenever conflict occurs; later learning there is no perfect relationship.

There is no such thing as the perfect marriage.

Relationships and marriage are high maintenance. If you want good, healthy, relationships in your life, you need to be willing to work at it, you need the wisdom of God, and you need to understand the dynamics of relationships.

Psalm 34:12-14 is a scripture that sums up in a nutshell what it takes to have fulfilling relationships and a good marriage. It says,

"Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it."

There are three powerful truths in this verse that when applied, will greatly aid in the success of a fulfilling and happy marriage. They are:

1. Control your tongue.
2. Do good to each other.
3. Seek peace and pursue it.

Keeping Strong Connections in our Relationships

Our relationships are precious, valuable treasures from heaven, and we should handle them carefully, always looking for ways to build bridges to each other's hearts. I know that all of us desire to come up higher and one way we can take a step towards the next level is in our love for one another.

Novelist Katherine Anne Porter once wrote, "Love must be learned, and learned again; there is no end to it." Love should not remain the same year after year; love is supposed to grow. Relationships evolve over time, people change over time, and our love should strengthen and grow over time too. The apostle Paul prayed that our love would abound and grow in knowledge and depth of insight. 

That tells me that I cannot put my love on autopilot. If we put our love on autopilot and think that the people in our lives will simply "know" that we love them, our relationships will not grow or be as fruitful as they were intended to be. That's why it's so important to make every effort to keep strong connections in our relationships.

You may want to leave sweet notes around the house, in a drawer, under a pillow, or on the TV remote as little reminders to the people you love that they are valuable to you. It takes time and effort to maintain the connections in our relationships. Sometimes when someone hurts or offends us, we can be tempted to disconnect. But one of the most common mistakes people make in relationships is to give the other person the silent treatment in an effort to pull back.

I heard a story about a couple who had a big fight. That night, the man and wife were still not talking to each other, and since the man didn't want to give in first, he left her a note saying, "Wake me up at six o'clock in the morning." The next morning, the man woke up at eight o'clock and was furious. He was about to go find his wife to give her a piece of his mind, when he noticed a note on his side of the bed that read, "It's six o'clock; wake up!"

At one time or another, we have all faced the temptation to disconnect by giving someone the silent treatment. After being married to Joel for more than twenty-one years, I have learned that is not the best way to handle a disagreement. Scripture encourages, "Don't let the sun go down on your anger." It's not good to go to sleep mad and frustrated, because you'll wake up with that same anger and frustration you went to bed with—and you probably won't sleep very well anyway. 

You may not have the resolution to the disagreement by the time the evening comes, but if you will learn that you can disagree and still be friends, you will enjoy your relationships a whole lot more. I have a friend who tells me that sometimes when she and her husband are still mad at each other at bedtime, right before she goes to sleep, she will simply say to him, "I am right, you are wrong, and I love you. Good night."

Sometimes you have just to agree to disagree. One of the most freeing experiences is to recognize that you are two different people who see things differently, and you can still love each other and stay connected. Just because you have a disagreement with your friends or family members does not mean there are not plenty of other areas on which you see eye to eye. It just means you have a difference of opinion. 

Having the same heart and the same goal is what maintains a good connection. There will be times when we do not agree on every decision or subject, but we should always believe in one another, support one another, and move forward through life together—connected.

Flying Solo in a Couples' World

Being single in today’s world can be very challenging in a number of ways. On a material level, it’s difficult to be solely responsible for your existence, and to find the time to keep up with everything in your life. But it can be even more challenging socially and emotionally given the frenetic pace and impersonal tone of our technology-dominated culture. In any given day, we may have more electronic contacts than human ones. And while email, voice mail and telephones are wonderful tools, they don’t address the heart’s deeper yearning for authentic human connection. 

In workshops with singles, we frequently hear people express frustrations about their single lifestyle. We hear that there are no ‘quality singles’ out there, that ‘all the good ones are taken’ and that everything in our culture is geared for couples. We fervently believe that all of these are false, and if you are single, we would like to offer some positive tips and resources to help you enjoy your single lifestyle to the max, whether or not you are focusing attention on creating an intimate relationship.

To begin with, it’s important to realize that there are more adult singles than ever before! There are over 35 million adult singles over the age of 25 in the U.S., and over ½ million right here in southeastern Michigan. So there are plenty of potential kindred souls to connect with. As for the ‘quality’ issue, we all attract and resonate with whatever energy we create. So if you want more quality people in your life, take responsibility in becoming a more quality person yourself, whatever that means to you, and you will find similar people attracted to your energy. 

The good news is that in addition to there being an abundance of singles in the world today, there are also more easy and efficient ways to meet them than ever before, whether you’re interested in friendship or romance. There are numerous excellent social and recreational singles’ groups in our area, with almost every possible interest and lifestyle choice represented. New single friends are literally just a phone call or click away (we have a list of singles’ groups and resources in southeastern Michigan on our web site, as well as nationwide Online Singles' Resource Links). 

There are also free or inexpensive Internet-based personal ads and chat rooms to help singles connect. Our bias is that real live human connections are deeper and more meaningful than electronic ones, so we recommend using the Internet to meet friends or dating partners locally, and then as soon as possible try to meet in person. 

Also, we urge caution in contacting dating partners through the Internet, since the possibility of misrepresenting oneself is higher than in any other medium. To keep things safe, we recommend that women not give out their home phone number or address to someone they have never met in person, and everyone should have an initial face-to-face meeting in a public place during daytime hours.

What about this idea that ‘all the good ones are taken’? This implies that all the good partners end up in committed relationships while they’re young and are never again available. But the reality is that many people experience the most profound growth only after a painful relationship ends, whatever their age. By dealing with the breakup consciously they become far wiser and healthy than they ever were before. ‘Good ones’ aren’t all taken, in fact new ‘good ones’ are being created every day! 

There are an abundant number of people who have personally and spiritually grown from their life lessons and right now are emotionally and physically available to create the best relationship of their life. 

Lastly, regarding the ‘couples culture’ we live in, while it’s true that many activities are geared for couples and families, it’s also true that today there are more activities than ever before exclusively created for singles. However, as a single person you may have to exert more effort to find them than a couple does. But this underscores the larger issue that if you’re single, you need to adopt a positive, proactive, responsible attitude toward your single life. 

No one will come knocking on your door and ask you to dinner or to play volleyball or go canoeing. But with the proper attitude and effort, a huge range of people and activities are available for you. In this sense, being single affords you a fabulous opportunity to learn a most precious life lesson: without anyone else there to blame for your woes or to pick you up when you’re down, you can literally see how day-by-day you are creating your reality and lifestyle though every choice, every decision, and every fear and self-imposed limitation that you choose to not resolve. And if you prefer a different life experience, you have the power to choose to create that as well.

It’s also essential to develop a positive support system of single friends, who will help you deal with the inevitable ups and downs of life, and be there for you when you need physical, emotional or even financial help. Far too many singles isolate themselves and then have no emotional safety net to fall back on. Or they start dating someone, but have no help in assessing how healthy their new relationship really is, and may not see some obvious areas of incompatibility that a loving friend could easily point out.

Being in a relationship and being single are really just two different sides of the same life coin: both have challenges, both have freedoms, both have lessons, and both are wonderful opportunities to learn to become the best person you can be and fully express the gifts you came to this life with.