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Be Yourself

7/24/2012

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Tough Day Huh?

7/19/2012

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Tough Day Huh?

So, now we are a little more relaxed after some rest, I hope. Then tell me, why are we still thinking in the negative. Come on, cheer up. This is another beautigul day. Revel in it. How can you do that when everything You see around you appear in shades of grey or black? Are you really looking at the same thing I am looking at? Look again. Good. Look a little longer. Now, look at the glass again. What do you see? Yes, yes, it's Half Full. Not bad at all.

See what happens when you try to dwell on positives? Now look around again...Oh, now you ask what happen to the blacks and shades of grey? Well, they weren't really there. Everything always look just aa they are now. It's just that for a sad moment you choose not to see it. Well, let me restate that. You couldn't see it.

I know you are trying, sometimes too hard, I think. Relax. Take a deep breath, and exhale. Close your eyes for a moment if that works better for you. Now think about a time when you were the happiest you can remember. Yesssss. No, not then. Think about something else. Something that you and only you were responsible for. Wasn't that a good time? Can you imagine yourself in that moment again for just a few minutes? Just try it and see. OK, that feels good, doesn't it?

Could you share that experience with anyone? Would You? You said yes. Then go ahead and do it?

The point? When we look at the world we see different things depending on the frame of mind we are in at that particular moment. It is really hard to stay positive and upbeat all of the time. I know, because I can't do that either. But guess what? When we actually deliberately try to snap ourselves out of the doldrums, we can succeed.

It will not be easy for everyone. But for those of us who can, it is amazing how good we can feel. You know, some people pop a pill or two during times of low morale and low self worth. They sometimes call it stresss relief. Don't feel sorry for them. Feel their pain because that could be us, if we didn't get some measure of success from out personal, private introspection.

Yes, this world is one messed up place. But some of us are dealing with it. Yea, we figure out a way to make all the negatives work for our benifit. Isn't that amazing? So, how often do you share this with anyone? Come on, at least try. You think people will laugh at you? Some might but they will definitely have something to thing of or talk about later. While they are talking about it someone else will hear and probably understand the whole concept.

It's like paying it forward, but with positive thoughts and vibes. See what I am getting at? Soon, very soon, there will be a whole bunch of positive people walking around. Maybe not as many as we hope, but the number will definitely increase.

I am a praying person. I just can't live without prayer. The good thing about prayer is that, you can do it anytime, anywhere, and anyhow you like. Yea, Positive Reinforcement right in your head. Isn't that cool. No one has to know that you pray, if you don't want them to know. You could whisper, you could shout, mumble sing, or just think it. Awesome, right? Now exercise your spirituality if you are so inclined.

For those of you who don't pray, just think Positive thoughts. Yes, it's hard but try Harder. At the end of the day, you will find yourself much happier and everything will appear in vibrant colors like they did during that happy time. Think Positive Thoughts. Share the new vibes with someone else.

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What a Real Man Does

7/19/2012

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Desires in Conflict: Hope and Healing for Individuals Struggling with Same-Sex Attraction

7/10/2012

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Desires in Conflict: Hope and Healing for Individuals Struggling with Same-Sex Attraction

 Homosexual orientation is different from homosexual behavior.

  • Sexuality is part of a person’s identity — not just a behavior or act.

  • Even those who report leaving the homosexual lifestyle often still struggle  with same-sex attraction and may not ever report being heterosexual.

  • Marriage will not cure homosexuality. It may make the struggle harder.

  • Heterosexuality is not the goal. The goal is sexual purity and being  conformed to the image of Christ.

  • People have a deep need to be accepted unconditionally. Demonstrate  unconditional, positive regard for the person.

  • Accepting a person as he is does not imply you are condoning a behavior. Let  God separate the sinner from the sin.

  • Convey warmth and compassion for the person in the struggle. Be genuine,  empathic, and respectful.

  • Conviction from the Holy Spirit produces repentance, renunciation,  redirection, and repair.

  • Visit www.southfloridaconnects.com for more indept info. 

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    Straight Spouse Awareness with South Florida Connects 

    7/5/2012

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    Straight Spouse Awareness with South Florida Connects

    South Florida Connects (SFC) is a sister organizations of Family & Friends Connection, Inc. and provides straight spouse awareness expertise to the South Florida Community and beyond.  Debbie Thomas-Brown is the CEO/Founder of SFC.  SFC provides information to distressed men and women who find themselves unknowingly in a relationship with a secretly gay person. SFC specializes in straight spouse peer support for information, education, validation and affirmation. Debbie was recently interviewed on radio WAVS 1170am, a popular Caribbean- American station in South Florida.


    1.  Who is a straight spouse?

    You are a straight spouse if you are a heterosexual person who is, or was in a relationship, is married to, separated or divorced from someone who is LGBT, (lesbian, gay, bi-sexual or transgender.) Transgender may include but is not limited to transsexuals, cross-dressers, or individuals who have had a sex change. Some people are straight spouses by choice, but most straight spouses unknowingly dated or married someone who is secretly gay.


    2. Why are you interested in helping straight spouses?

    I nearly married a secretly gay man and that made me so acutely aware that if I am so vigilant in my choice of companions and he was able to hide his true sexual orientation so well, what about my other sisters and brothers in the church who are not even aware that such situations exist.  So after the embarrassment wore off, I got mad.  

    When I know of a problem I usually try to find a solution for it.  After much research I found out this was not unique to just myself. There is a very big problem in our immigrant community, and all over the world. I prayed about it and God has been using me to help others who may find themselves in the same situation or worse, being already married to the person. Straight spouses often feel alone with no one to talk to.

    So SFC decided to take on straight spouse awareness as part of our community advocacy to teach, validate, empower, and support anyone who feels that they are a straight spouse and need support and also to help prevent others from becoming straight spouses.

    Our website Connecting The Down Low Clues at southfloridaconnects.com is family friendly and provides much information to help straight spouses, pastors, community professionals, parents, teenagers, and family and friends of straight spouses. We also have a straight spouse awareness hotline 954-983-9751 where people can call and leave messages. If someone leaves a message with contact information, they will be contacted in the manner they requested. 

    3. Why is intuition and discernment so important in straight spouse awareness?

    Where there is smoke there is fire. All humans have a built in bad vibes detection system. God made humans like that for a reason, so we can help to protect ourselves. Usually one of the first clues that a man or woman may have that their spouse is not on the up and up, is through their intuition, that nagging feeling that something is just not right. It might be something that was said or an action, but it made you uncomfortable enough for you to wonder about it.  Women are gifted with a great internal alarm system and too many of us fail to use it.

    If you are in the bedroom and you smell smoke or like something is burning wouldn’t you get up and go and investigate? So why don’t women in particular investigate more when the alarms go off and you even start loosing sleep about it? Sometimes your investigation only requires a few smart questions or a little more keen attention to sometimes insignificant looking details. Some people don’t look at their spouses; refuse to look them in the eye. If you do that you may find that your weird feelings are not because you are crazy, but because something is very wrong.

    4. Some people are afraid to ask questions, why should women and men ask tough questions, especially when they are dating someone new, and what are some of the questions that should be asked?

    Some women are afraid to ask a man if he is married. A new man you meet may never volunteer that information if you do not ask it directly, as some people believe if it was not asked they don’t have to tell.  Likewise if you don’t ask someone their HIV status they don’t have to tell you. This should be a must ask question, but please know your status before you start inquiring about others.

    This is the fair way to operate. Knowing your HIV status places you in a position of empowerment. For those who don’t know their HIV status, if you live in the USA you can find out by texting your zip code to 566948. You will receive a text with the name and telephone number of a testing location in your zip code. You should contact them to set up a time for you to get a free HIV test.  Health centers do more than HIV testing so no one has to know why you are going there.  You can get a test done by your private doctor if you have one. You can also get information at www.hivtest.org. There is no stigma in getting tested. Knowing your HIV status is powerful.

    If you are negative you will know to guard your negative status and if unfortunately you are positive, you will be able to start a medical regimen early, so you can continue to look good and remain in satisfactory health for a very long time.

    5. You said the computer and cell phone are big tools secretly gay individuals use to make contact with other gay individuals, how can straight spouses use this information to their benefit?

    If you suspect, or even if you don’t suspect infidelity, weird computer usage by your spouse can set up red flags to tell you that something is wrong. Are they hiding what they are doing on the computer? Do they cover or delete screens when you walk by?  Do they watch to see if you are looking before going to certain web pages? Do they hide their emails, or test messages? Do they make a big fuss if you touch their cell phone or try to answer it when it rings? Have you ever seen text messages with weird abbreviations and language you do not understand? If you answered yes to these, they are RED FLAGS! Investigate discretely; your life may depend on your vigilance.

    You won’t be able to find any computer red flags if you don’t know how to use the computer. At least let your computer savvy kids teach you how to use the computer for basic stuff such as web browsing or checking emails and instant messages. You can get free lessons at some local libraries, adult evening classes, or if you can afford to, pay a high school student to teach you.  

    Using web browsing history can tell you what sites have been visited on the computer. Using the CRTL+H keys will usually bring up the browsing history for today, last week, two, three weeks ago or longer. If someone is using the computer to visit gay dating and hook up sites such as manhunt.com, adam4adam.com, Craigslist personals and any other such sites, porn sites, gay support sites, and gay divorce advice sites, you will see that in the history if the history has not been deleted.

    If the browsing history has been deleted, that means someone has something to hide.  You may want to find out what they are hiding. Even if it’s only financial stuff, that too can hurt you.  

    People lie, cell phones don't. You can get a lot of information from a cell phone if you really want to. 

    6. We have too many straight spouses in the church. What is the main way people can protect themselves and avoid becoming straight spouses?

    Asking for spiritual guidance is key to avoiding danger and protecting yourself. Never ever underestimate the power of prayer. Don’t bother to ask God for guidance and protection if you are not willing to listen and follow what he shows you. Always put God in charge of any decision you want to make and follow His guidance. Sometimes we self help but God does not need our help.

    We should not try to make important decisions based solely on our selves. Use your sense of discernment and follow that small voice. It may be telling you something that is so not what you want to hear, but if you ignore it you will end up regretting that you did not listen.  

    If I never asked for guidance in choosing a mate, and listen to what God was saying and paid attention to what he was showing me, I would have married a man who would have just used me to cover up his same sex orientation. It was not easy to back off, but I believed God and I knew He was showing me everything for my benefit. If I had self helped and ignore what I was shown, I would be in a messy marriage right now.

    Please use your intuition and your sense of disernment. God’s intention is to help you not hurt you. So when Mr. Right seems too good to be true, please pray and ask for guidance.

    Hebrews 13:4 NIV: Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.

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    Conflict Resolution: Put the Other Person First

    6/22/2012

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    Conflict Resolution: Put the Other Person First
     
    “Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 2:4-5 NIV)

    Conflict does not resolve itself. It must be dealt with intentionally. Conflict gets worse when you leave it alone. If you have something wrong with someone, or someone has a problem with you, take the initiative to work it out.

    When should you work it out? At once. Postponed conflict only gets worse. You need to do it as soon as possible, before it festers and turns into bitterness. You can’t just look at your own viewpoint or situation; you have to look at the other person’s viewpoint, too. This is very difficult, because it's not natural. It requires an intentional shift, where you change your focus from looking at your needs to looking at someone else’s needs. 

    It also takes God working in your life to do that. 

    When we understand where people are coming from, the less conflict we're likely to have with them.

    How do you learn to understand others? You listen. Listen more than you talk. Again, this is not easy for many of us. Some of us get so anxious to make our point, to tell our side, to defend ourselves; we don't even stop to listen to what others are saying or to consider their point of view. 

    You are most like Christ when you ask, “What are her/his needs, and how can I meet them?” When you're angry, you're preoccupied with yourself. But when you're like Christ, you look to each other's interests and not merely your own.

    One of the most powerful peace-making statements is when you say to someone else, “I'm sorry. I was only thinking of myself.”

    Talk About It

    Is there a conflict in your life that you’ve allowed to fester? Don’t let another day go by; take time today to resolve it.

    How would you rate your listening skills? Concentrate on being a good listener.

    Rick Warren is the founding pastor of Saddleback Church in Lake Forest, Calif., one of America's largest and most influential churches. Rick is author of the New York Times bestseller The Purpose Driven Life. His book, The Purpose Driven Church, was named one of the 100 Christian books that changed the 20th century. He is also founder of Pastors.com, a global Internet community for pastors.

    This devotional © 2012 by Rick Warren. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

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    When Your Man Has Been Living A Double Life

    5/31/2012

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    When Your Man Has Been Living A Double Life

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    Want to Get Along? Humble Yourself.

    3/26/2012

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    Want to Get Along? Humble Yourself.
    “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” (James 4:10 NIV)

    If you want to stop the conflicts in your life, if you want to get along with other people, then you have to learn to ask forgiveness from God and from those you hurt. James 4:8 says, “Wash your hands ... and purify your hearts” (NIV). Our hands represent our conduct, and our hearts represent our attitude.

    Paul is basically saying: Clean up your act. Be sorry for your self-centeredness. It is a big deal when your spouse’s feelings are hurt. Take it seriously. If someone says you hurt him, then you did! It may not be a big deal to you, but it was to him. You must be willing to ask forgiveness.

    Think of the person who causes the most conflict in your life. Would you like to begin to resolve the conflict with that person? Are you willing to apologize for your part? Maybe he or she is 95 percent at fault, but your responsibility is to take care of your 5 percent and let God handle the rest.

    How humbling would it be for you to say, “I know we’ve had our differences, and I know I haven’t always been thoughtful. A lot of times I’ve thought more about myself than your needs.” It wouldn’t just be humbling; it would be impossible without God’s grace. The only way you’re going to change is to be humble, and the only way to be humble is to ask forgiveness.

    The first step is the hardest, but it’s also the most important. It’s humbling, sure, but God gives grace to the humble. Maybe this week you need to write a letter or make a call. Take the first step.

    God doesn’t want to keep you down on the ground. James 4:10 says, “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.” The way to honor is humility. I used to think the way to be honored by my wife and my kids was to never admit that I was wrong. I figured if my kids thought I was wrong, they wouldn’t respect me any more. It wasn’t a surprise when I found out they already knew I wasn’t perfect.

    I found that the way I gained honor before my kids and my wife was to admit I was wrong. If you want to be honored by your husband or wife and the Lord, you must humble yourself.

    To stop the fighting, you have to give in to God, get wise to Satan, grow closer to God, and be willing to ask forgiveness.

    Talk About It
    • Think of the last time you were the recipient of someone’s humble apology. What impact did it have on your relationship with that person and with the Lord?
    • Is there someone you need to forgive today? Is there someone you need to go to and ask forgiveness?
    • Do you believe that God can restore a relationship that you have given up on? What do you think he wants you to do to help make that happen?
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    LIVING LA VIDA LIMBO

    11/15/2011

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    LIVING LA VIDA LIMBO
    By Bonnie Kaye

    Let’s discuss married gay men who won’t leave the marriage or for that matter, won’t leave the closet. This is a subject that can never be talked about enough because it seems to be a stumbling block for so many of us who can’t get our husbands to “come clean” with the truth about their homosexuality. 


    I received so many letters each month from women who are sure about their husbands but fear confronting them. But I also get letters from women who do confront their husbands with evidence in hand and get denials with distorted truths giving excuses such as “Those pictures belonged to a co-worker,” or “I have no clue how those websites got on our computer.”

    For those women whose husbands eventually tell you the truth, count yourselves as lucky even though you may not feel that way at the time. No doubt hearing the word
    gay is devastating, but not hearing it is even worse. Ask a woman who is trapped in an unfulfilling marriage with a gay man. 

    These women know the truth. They have stumbled on it one way or another. It has smacked them in the face through hidden websites, email, pornography, letters, hotel receipts, phone bills, etc. And yet, their husbands just keep lying or denying.  They are not ready to be honest--and may never be ready. Some men will never be ready to accept their homosexuality because it is too painful or embarrassing. 

    These are the men whom I call the “Limbo Men.” Their whole lives are lived in limbo. They are emotionally straight, but physically gay. They never feel totally comfortable in either world, but they are much more comfortable “passing” in the
    straight world where they are accepted as part of mainstream society. 

    All married gay men go through “limbo” for a period of time. In otherwords, they are stuck in between both worlds hoping that
    by wanting the straight world badly enough they will be able to “cross over” into it. They keep thinking that if they play the role long enough, they will become transformed into the part, not just play the part as an actor. 


    But the Limbo Men I place in this category are different from other gay men who eventually come to terms with themselves. They are even different than the gay men who are staying in their marriages but who acknowledge they are gay, at least on some level.  

    The real Limbo Men have no sense of remorse for what they are doing to their wives. In fact, they often feel as if they are the victims and strike back at their wives in an emotional  or physically abusive manner. They blame their wives for their unhappiness and  never have a clue about the damage they are doing to these women whom they promised to love, cherish, and respect. 


    They place the blame of their unhappiness on their wives, when in fact, there is nothing that their wives could possibly do to make them feel happy or fulfilled. Their wives are women, and they are gay men. 

    These are the men who will never leave their marriages. They will stay there until the day they die, leading a painful existence and sharing that pain with their wives. More specifically, pouring that pain upon their wives. We all know that misery loves company, and these men are happy to make you as miserable as they are.

    So often, these “Limbo Men” husbands luck out. They have wives who are much kinder and more understanding than average.  These are the women who will keep trying every little trick in the book thinking someday they will get their husbands hooked. 


    The women live an accepted existence, looking for the crumbs in the marriage while trying to turn those crumbs into a cake. It is truly a tragedy and waste of human life.      

    LIMBO WOMEN 
    Limbo Men create a whole new category of straight wives—namely, LIMBO WOMEN. Limbo Women are the wives of Limbo Men who are stuck wasting years of their lives in unsatisfying marriages because they can never quite get the truth out of their husbands. 


    They know that something is wrong. They know that their marriages are lacking the ingredients for success—namely communication, passion, and intimacy. They have loads of little clues that all add up to homosexuality, and yet, because they can’t get a full confession—or even a partial confession—they are trapped.  

    By the time a wife of a Limbo Man gets a confession, it’s usually a partial, such as:

    1.    I’m not gay, but I like looking at gay pornography as part of a full pornographic fantasy show.

    2.    I’m not gay, but when I was younger, I had an uncle who molested me on a few occasions.

    3.    I’m not gay, but sometimes I call gay sex lines because the way they talk stimulates me sexually.

    4.    I’m not gay, but when I was younger, before I met you, I had a one-time sexual encounter with a man, but I only let him perform oral sex on me.

    5.    I’m not gay, but there are times I think that I am bisexual because I look at guys and find them sexually appealing. I would never act on it though.

    6.    I’m not gay, but sometimes the thought of anal penetration turns me on.

    7.    I’m not gay, but when I was in college, we would all get stoned/drunk and have big orgies where everyone was having sex with everyone.

    8.    I’m not gay, but I have a fantasy about both of us having sex with another man.

    The sad part is that each one of these partial confessions always starts the same way: I’M NOT GAY, BUT…. And now the wife is more trapped than ever. How can they break up a marriage just on their own perceptions based on partial truths?

    I have wives that write to me about the extensive research they do on human sexuality. They are looking for my stamp of endorsement for their discoveries that their husbands aren’t gay, just sexually “different” or “deviant.” 


    It seems if they can get my professional opinion that their situation is not like the thousands of others that I have worked with, they can learn to cope in their marriages and accept that life isn’t always a bowl of cherries. On the other hand, it’s not always a bowl of pits either. It’s actually a bowl of half eaten cherries with the pits still in tact—sometimes, anyway. 

    These women struggle more than those of us who are given our walking papers or as I like to call it, “freedom.” Those of us
    riding the freedom trail may be hurting for a while, but ventually we can lick our wounds and start life over. We don’t have the shackles of homosexuality tying us to a husband who just won’t be honest with us or in many cases, himself.

    Limbo Women have the lowest self-esteem of all of us because they do personalize that the lack of love that their husbands can show them sexually is because of their failings.  After they’ve exhausted every trick known to womankind without any success or movement, they admit defeat. 


    Nothing they do makes it change. No diet, no breast implant, no sexy clothes, no new hair style, no new approaches to sexual satisfaction is going to move their husbands into the straight zone. Eventually, they admit defeat, but still don’t understand why everything they try is not working on anything in their relationship.

    Some of these wives cope by developing their own “on-the-sides” personal lives. They meet some straight man on the Internet who can boost their self-esteem by telling them all the things their husbands should be saying but don’t say. 


    Sometimes these Internet affairs are lifesavers when women start giving up hope on themselves. Some of these wives cope by finding real-life affairs, going outside the boundaries of their morals, religious beliefs, and vows, making them feel better on one end, but worse on the other. And still other women cope by
    popping pills that numb their minds and lower their libido just so they can keep living in the state of limbo.

    And so life just keeps moving along, day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month, and year-by-year.  Limbo Women attend family holidays, friend events like birthdays and anniversaries, and office Christmas parties of their Limbo Husbands. They stand like a trophy next to a man who needs a wife to show off to prove to the world that “I AM NOT GAY. HERE IS MY PROOF.” 


    The Limbo Wife allays the suspicions that everyone else has about the Limbo Man. It confuses the public at large who thinks it is able to identify people of a different sexual orientation because gay men don’t get married? Right? Or even if they do, they don’t stay married, right?  Wrong.

    Limbo Men stay married as long as their wives stay in limbo with them. Limbo Women are willing to fine tune their brains
    not to think about what they don’t have. Rather, they try to focus on what they do have:
     
    1. I have a nice home.
    2. I have beautiful children.
    3. I have friendly neighbors.
    4. I have good in-laws who don’t find too much fault with me (namely because
      you’re covering up the family secret for them.)
    5. I have a companion when I go on vacations.
    6. I have a good friend.
    7. I have a good friendship.
    8. I have a husband who won’t leave.

    That’s right, Limbo Woman, he won’t leave. He’s going to be by your side forever and ever because a Limbo Man  doesn’t leave. If he leaves, that means he might be dealing with whom he really is and what he does on the side might become front and center. 


    This would upset the balance in his life and throw him out of the sphere of being emotionally straight. And that’s a scary world that he just doesn’t want to have to face.  Life as a Limbo Man is too easy for him. It’s also safe and secure.

    Want to know something funny? Limbo Men think that their Limbo Wives know the truth—at least on some level. They think
    that all of the little clues that they have been confronted on prove that you know the truth somewhere in their Limbo Minds. And believe it or not, they feel that for this reason, you accept who they are. 


    You can accept their little dalliances and dibs into that foreign world that neither of you really want to talk about. They think that your avoidance of the subject after a while is a
    form of acceptance.

    They don’t see you running anywhere, and they also see you accepting that marriage can be built on friendship. You’ve given them the biggest gift of all—the end of sexual pressure. You’ve learned how to live with them in Sexual Limbo—or abstinence.


    Your Limbo Libido has gone off into the distance—either with someone else or out the door or body. Whatever. He breathes a big sigh of relief. You are now the perfect wife.


    Of course, you’re not really the perfect wife. He still finds fault with you because you are a woman. And he is a gay man in disguise. It’s never quite the right chemistry. He’s never really happy living in between two worlds. He’s comfortable, but never really happy. And he’ll find ways to blame you for his happiness. It will be little things that make you feel stupid. After all, he thinks you’re stupid. He thinks you know he’s gay and you’re willing to live with it. How smart could you be?

    And so the years will pass. Your best years will pass in front of your eyes. Yes, the best years—those years where you could
    have been living a life without deceit, contempt, and sexual rejection. And before you know it, you’ll look around and realize that you can’t get back what you have lost. You’ll never know how far you could have gone in life because you never had a cheering team cheering you on. 


    You will never be inspired to write poems that have love and hope, but rather your poetry talks of sadness and loneliness. I suppose there is a market out there for poetry of the forlorn.  Someone may be smart enough to publish a book on “Poetry for the Limbo Woman.”  It’s sure to sell a million.

    And so, my dear Limbo Women, my heart does go out to you. I feel as if you are walking in the valley of No Zone. Not quite here, not quite there. But the good news is that you can move into another time zone. 


    You can join the freedom trail and look at life as a new adventure, just waiting for you. You can make a decision that you’ve had enough of Limbo Land and want to spend whatever remaining years you have finding yourself and a new sense of enjoyment. 

    You can learn that life can be like a romantic comedy. You can laugh and love again no matter how old you are. Romance is never an age—it’s a state of mind. And even though living with your Limbo man has dulled yours, you can still take your life back and live it the way you want to.  You may not win the battle, but you can definitely win the war. 

    Write to me at
    Bonkaye@aol.com if you want to get the support to do it!

    Bonnie Kaye, M.Ed., the world   recognized specialist in straight/gay relationship counseling for 24 years, is   now available to work with you via telephone, a personal live private chatroom,   instant messaging, email, or in  person when locality permits. Bonnie is the   "go-to" person when media news stories need advice. She was a resource for Oprah   Winfrey, Dr. Phil, Montel Williams, and Tyra Banks. She has recently appeared as  a guest on CNN, FOX News, and Women's Entertainment Network as a professional counseling expert in this field.

    Write to her at Bonkaye@aol.com
    0 Comments

    Think Your Job Is Tough? Try Being a Pastor's Wife

    10/2/2011

    1 Comment

     
    Think Your Job Is Tough? Try Being a Pastor's Wife

     HELP WANTED: Pastor's wife. Must sing, play music, lead youth groups, raise seraphic children, entertain church notables, minister to other wives, have ability to recite Bible backward and choreograph Christmas pageant. Must keep pastor sated, peaceful and out of trouble. Difficult colleagues, demanding customers, erratic hours. Pay: $0.

    The story continues,

    The basic job description for pastors' wives hasn't changed in a century. But pastors' wives have. The rise of megachurches, dual-career couples and women's independence have complicated the role and in some cases intensified the frustrations. A recent spate of scandals involving prominent pastors has underscored the challenges their wives face.

    Eight in ten pastors' wives say they feel unappreciated or unaccepted by their husbands' congregations, according to surveys by the Global Pastors Wives Network (GPWN); the same number wish their husbands would choose another profession. "Wives' issues" is the No. 1 reason pastors leave their ministries. The divorce rate among ministers and their wives is 50%, no better than that of the general public.

    Curious about life as a pastor's wife? Or perhaps you're a pastor's wife eager for Internet connections? Following is a guide to some online networks.

    PASTOR'S WIFE WEB SITES
    GPWN.tv
    This is the web site of the Global Pastors Wives Network. The web site, launched last September, features lots of video clips instructing pastors' wives on dealing with issues unique to them--such as how to build a youth ministry, raising children in a pastor's household, and facing marital issues.

    PastorsWives.org
    This lively, extensive and popular site features message boards, lessons on how to prepare a devotional, a section on "marriage matters" that includes an article on how to confront a pastor husband who is addicted to porn, and, of course, recipes.

    Love, Life and Living Ministries
    Stephanie Elzy, the wife of a former pastor, runs this web site for other FPWs--be they divorced from pastors, widowed, or married to men who are no longer pastors. She and her husband Rod also offer marital counseling to pastors' wives and FPWs.


    Stephanie Elzy, FPW and creator of Love, Life and Living Ministries. / Photo courtesy of Stephanie Elzy

    PastorsWife.com
    Idaho PW Janice Hildreth runs this fun, sweet site. She writes: "I, no doubt, have a lot in common with you. I took a job for which I was woefully unprepared and have fashioned it into a life I love." I interviewed Janice and will post her very interesting experiences later.

    LoisEvans.org
    Lois Evans, a prominent PW based in Dallas, holds forth here. The site and her efforts seem to focus on "senior" PWs, or those with experience in their roles whose husbands lead large congregations.

    Family in Focus
    This is a collection of articles helpful to pastors' wives from the satellite site of the Denver-based Christian support group, Family in Focus.

    SarahsTent.com
    Here's a site founded way back in 1997 by illustrator Shannon Parish. She writes: "As a wife we often fall between the cracks, have hurts and struggles and unrealistic expectations put upon us that only another pastor's wife could understand and other women would never dream of! After all...Who better to share our experiences, cry, laugh, vent, pray and encourage, than other Ministers' Wives?" Sarah's Tent is "a ministry devoted to gathering together God's silent warriors, the wives of pastors and ministers of all denominations and cultural backgrounds, as well as their families, for fellowship, support, laughter and prayer."

    PastorsWife.net
    Like its name, this is a simple, sweet site with recipes for entertaining and ideas for banquet themes.

    PASTOR'S WIFE BLOGS
    Not Your Typical Pastor's Wife

    Rebellious Pastor's Wife
     

    Read more: 
      
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