Nagging:  Is a steady stream of unwanted advice, a form of torture.  People nag because they think that they are not getting through, but nagging hinders communication more than it helps. 

When tempted to engage in this destructive habit, stop and examine your motives.  Are you more concerned about yourself – about getting your way or about being right-than about the person you are pretending to help? 

If you truly are concerned about other people, is there a more effective way to get through to them?  Surprise them with words of love and patience, and see what happens.     

Proverbs 27: 15-16

The Power of Friendship

Friendship is a powerful gift of life. Friendships are harder to sustain in our busy lives today. Yet, loneliness and isolation account for an even increasing societal and personal issue called depression. We are made to socialize and be with other people but close, long-lasting friendships separate us from the animal kingdom. We need friends for health, success and happiness. Have you considered the status of your friendships lately?

Maybe the time is here to take a closer look at the value of your friendships. It seems natural that with the New Year would come new goals and dreams. As I grow older however, I realize that my goals do not change from year to year but my ability to achieve the goals change.  Like this year, I again desire to eat better and become more fit. However, this year I am perfectly content to watch my daughter workout with her Wii Fit game and do not have any desire to participate in the activity. And because my family life is busier and my work is never ending, I have no extra margin to even make the time and try to become more fit.

Regardless of the verbal support of my family, they would not be the ones keeping me accountable on a daily basis. We wake up together, try to eat meals together and say good night to each other but all of us are going in different directions. Love is the foundation of our home life but personal achievement is an individual responsibility. In other words, I would be on my own in this endeavor.

For me, personally, my faith has not been the motivation to get me to change. My faith instead provides the inspiration to accept the need for change. I want to feel better about myself so I start thinking of ways to accomplish that goal. I have found that the peer pressure (or the friends) in my life are actually the motivating factor to get me to change. Peers are like deadlines dates. They both have the ability to motivate you to complete necessary tasks.  Think of reunions or house parties or even going out, we all make a special effort to look extra good. 

It is the same thing for me at work. It has not always been the inspiration of spiritual revelations that have kept me going. I really believe that it has been the physical tangible person, having a co-partner who has challenged me as well as encouraged me to continue. We could become resentful of the peer pressure in our lives or we can be thankful for the power of friendship to change our lives.

Gossip, negativity, criticism, lack of support and judgments can cause anyone to quit because change can be too hard. Personally, I do not blame anyone for quitting. The world is filled with people who lack support, finances, encouragement and personal abilities to break out of habitually bad patterns. But I would recommend that they find a friend or an accountability partner to talk things out and get perspective before making any big decisions.

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says, "Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up." Even this verse is showing the power of friendship.

Sometimes, it is in the honest sharing of your heart that someone else can give you the wisdom to endure. Sometimes, it is the person who asks you, "How's it going?" and takes an interest to ask, that keeps you speaking and planning and dreaming and going. That kind of support might not ever come from your family but it might come from a friend. Family members have vested interests in you for themselves…as a spouse or parent or provider or scheduler. Bill Bright, founder of Campus Crusade for Christ, said it best when stating that God has a wonderful plan for your life and everyone in your life will tell you what it is.  But a friend's expectations are different.

Just because we know we need to change does not mean that it will be easy. Just because others tell us that we need to change does not mean they can give you the tools to do it. Life can be confusing and tough. The power of friendship can cut through the random factors to keep you focused. You do not have to go at it alone; people have been pairing up for years. God is totally into fellowship, counsel, and unity and empowers us through friendship.

Women especially need to have friendships that are healthy, encouraging and empowering. Mothers, daughters and sisters are not always the ones we go to first. Who better understands us than our friends? We need to be willing to make time for them to be a part of our lives. The power of friendship will change the world if we let it.

Sex And Back Pain
By Jerry Corners, MD

Back pain and sex don’t go together very well and if you or your partner are among the 35 million people who have back pain, you know that back pain can disrupt your relationship.

Sex is an important part of the intimacy between couples, and attitudes about sex, about rejection and about our self-image when we don’t feel up to a sexual encounter can haunt a couple for a long time.
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The Fear Of Hurting
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Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for both of you and the fear of hurting yourself or your partner inhibits the spontaneous joy that you probably felt before your back pain developed. But what can you do about it? Most couples in which one or the other is restricted by back pain will eventually get around to realizing that back pain does not automatically mean no more sex.

What it does mean is that you will need to make some accommodations to the pain and or the fear of it. It also means you will need to talk about sex in a slightly different way than you are used to. Let’s back up for a second and begin with a very strong suggestion.

Because pain has both a psychological component and a physical component, getting a sound diagnosis is critical to putting your mind at rest about what is wrong and secondly having a sound diagnosis will also give you guidelines for your physical limitations.

Secondly, after you have the diagnosis, involve the doctor or physical therapist in a frank discussion about dos and don’ts. Maybe that’s an uncomfortable subject for you, but these days we are talking more openly about sex and you should tap into the doctor’s experience here.

In a perfect world the doctor would open the discussion for you, but if they don’t you may have to initiate it. Ideally your partner should be present because he or she will have his or her own questions and concerns.

Remember, the health of your back is dependent on many dynamic factors. Your symptoms may change over time so you may need to work with your health care provider from time to time as you go through the many stages of recovery.
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Take It Slow
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A word of caution is in order at this point. It is pretty common to begin feeling better and then overdo it and have your back pain symptoms flair up. We call this, the whoopee effect and it can happen to anyone. Just remember that as you improve gradually, so should your activity level also increase gradually. As I mentioned earlier pain has two parts.

There is the physical part. This is the actual stimulation of the nerve, like a painful tooth or a herniated disc pressing on the nerve. And then there is the subjective or the psychological part.

This is how it feels to you and includes, among other things, such attitudes as fear that it will get worse or last forever, what will it means to be chronically disabled, and what you believe your partner thinks about it as well as how you are coping with your condition.
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Frank Discussion
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So, at the top of your agenda there needs to be a frank discussion of your pain limitations and expectations about sex. It is a mistake to believe that your partner understands what it feels like. It is your responsibility to communicate those limitations as clearly as possible; it is their responsibility to listen and try to understand.

Pain, after all, is invisible and subjective. That means your pain is unique to you. We have heard people liken back pain to everything from a hot poker going down one or both legs to a chronic aching sensation localized to the lumbar area.

It doesn’t matter what words you use, just try to explain the pain, what causes it (position, certain movements, or whatever), and what feels good or is what is comfortable for you. Is it obvious that if it hurts, don’t do it is generally good advice but some positions and techniques hurt more than others?

It may require some gentle experimentation to find out what works but as in most sex advice, “gentle” is the best place to start. In terms of maximizing sexual pleasure, it is very important to stress that all you really need is your imagination and the willingness to experiment to open up new areas of intimacy. But it all begins with willingness to try.

And given that, you just may find that the lemon of back pain can be turned into the lemonade of new sources of mutual pleasure. About the author: For more information on Back Pain and how to treat it effectively.

Read the latest back Pain Advisory from The Healthy Back Institute at www.losethebackpain.com. Jerry Corners, MD graduated from Creighton University School of Medicine and completed his internship and residency at Martin Luther King General Hospital in Los Angeles. He practiced emergency medicine in American Samoa and the states. He later practiced family medicine, chronic pain medicine and cognitive psychotherapy.
 

Life Lessons

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.  All you can do is be someone who can be loved.  The rest is up to them.

I've learned that no matter how much I care some people just don't care back.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but whom you have in your life that counts.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.

I've learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays you’ve celebrated.

I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.  Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other.   And, just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief.

I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt, and you will hurt in the process.

I've learned that you should never tell a child their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.  Few things are more humiliating, and what a tragedy it would be if they believed it.

I've learned that heroes are people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.

I’ve learned that you can keep going long after you can’t. 
 

Good Communication or What?

Someone once said an unusual amount of common sense is something called wisdom. So why do we not realize that good communication is probably the best common sense? Think about all the times when poor communication let you or your loved ones become upset, or feel neglected. Imagine how a total stranger feels when you try to communicate but don't even bother to make sure they understand whatever parable you choose to use that day?

Remember when you were very young and your parents were planning to punish you, for some so called evil deed you commited, but were talking in code and you had no idea what your transgression was? Remember how you felt when you realized you were going to be punished for something you didn't quite understand, because your mom or dad was talking in parent speak? Yea, yea, So why do you do the same thing now?

Why do we not say what we mean, and mean what we say? How many times have your boss wanted you to do something, but think it is too much work to put the right words together, so you can understand, but instead expect you to read his mind? When was the last time you actually had the courage to really ask, what was really expected of you, and got an answer you really understand?

Husbands and wives, why do you expect each other to be mind readers? Males and females have different thought processes. What feels good for you may be uncomfortable for her and vice versa. Who has the gentler touch? No, it doesn't matter, but who likes what kind of touch matters.

Yes, I know it's tempting to use the acid tongue from time to time. Sometimes we speak in haste and with insensitivity. Treating our significant other with respect and caring will inevitably helps us feel better within ourselves. Good, honest communication is not always easy, but is achievable and desireable. Your needs might be different but mutual, respect with good communication can add necessary spice to any loving relationship. Why not try it and see?

Well, the point is that, we need good communication to maintain healthy relationships. All relationships whether, family, job related, or otherwise need good, clear communication to be effective. So many relationships are ruined daily due to unnecessary, poor communication. All we need is a little thoughtfulness. Just a little more respect sometimes. Because, sometimes our communication style can make us appear downright rude and obnoxious.

Remember body language? Oh, how much we say or don't say with just the way we tilt our heads, raise our brow, fix our eyes, flash or wave our hands, smile lopsided or groan and grunt. That is just a fraction of the nonverbal aspect of communication. Some people have no clue how insensitive, snobbish, ill mannered and boorish their communication style makes them appear. Please, let us try to pay a little more attention to our behaviors. Let's try to communicate better.

Communication is key to all aspects of life. Even our pets require good communication from us. Just slow down a little. While we try to smell the roses, let's try to focus on how we perceive each other. Our perception helps to determine how we decide to communicate. Kindness is a really good virture we all can use, and need on a regular basis. Our communication should at least, show some kindness.

Do unto others what you would like them to do to you. Yes, we remember this from childhood. Let's be conscientious about our manners. Keeping in mind what goes around, comes around. Think about it....You may improve your marriage, work relationships, child/parent relationships, relationships with friends and relatives. Yea, even strangers may change their opinion of us. You may never know. But yes, good communication works. It might even improve your health. Try it and see how many people you make smile a little more.

DB

Relevant Links

How Do You Say "I Love You?"..Let's Count The Ways

It is amazing how well two people who supposedly speak the same language can misunderstand each other.  We use the same words, in the same way, but have different understandings of what we are saying.  Can you ever imagine what happens when each spouse speaks a different language and one does not know the other language well? 

This is even compounded more by the fact that tone of voice and body language can change the meaning of the words. It has been said that we have two different versions of the American English language.  There's a "male-ese" version and a "female-ese" version.  Men only talk and understand male-ese, and women only talk and understand female-ese.  The problem comes in when we think that the other sex is speaking the same language that we are. 

Generally speaking, men will define a word according to the dictionary definition.  Now, they might have learned the wrong definition, but their understanding of the word will be pretty straightforward.

On the other hand, women define a word based upon their experiences with that word.  Their definition can change over time, with the good and bad experiences they have with that word.

There is a commonly taught myth that women are great communicators, and men are horrible ones. This comes straight from psychology, and is false.  Women are great at communicating with other women, but not with men.  Men, on the other hand, are great at communicating with other men, but not with women.

The myth came from the fact that women talk more than men.  On the average, women speak about three times as many words in a day than men do.  But, it's also a matter of what they speak about. 
Women talk about feelings, and do so in great detail.  Men talk about thoughts and facts.  Women can tell you an entire conversation that they had with someone, while men can only tell you the highlights.  Men have a whole conversation in their mind, and tell you the final sentence, while women have an entire conversation with you, and don't tell you the subject.

Women are great communication needers, not necessarily great communicators.  Without communication, a woman will dry up like a flower without water.  To keep a woman emotionally healthy, she needs to talk to her husband, and hear him talk to her..  I don't mean talking about work, bills, and children either.  Women need to share dreams, ideas, deeper thoughts, and desires.

There has been much said about men needing to talk more, and in a way that women will understand.  I agree with this, but I don't think that's enough.  Not only do men need to talk in a way that women understand, but women need to talk in a way that men understand.  We both need to learn the language of the other.

Communication doesn't just mean that we use words to express ideas or feelings, it means that we transfer the understanding of those ideas or feelings to another person.  Without that understanding, it is merely a waste of time, not communication.

We have developed a rule in our house that  is so simple it should be universal.  That is that, whoever is speaking is responsible to make sure they are understood in the way that they mean.  Pretty simple, right?  Instead of the listener being responsible to decipher what is being said, the speaker must say it in a way that the listener can understand.  He, or she, must say it in the other's language.

If you go to China or Russia, it isn't their responsibility to understand you, it's your responsibility to make yourself understood, right?  So, we just apply the same rule in our house.

Now, let's go a step further with this idea.  Take as an example a typical couple in their home on a Saturday.  He spends the whole day working on various things around the house; mowing the lawn, fixing the leaky faucet, hanging the picture she wanted over the sofa.

At the end of the day, he's tired and collapses on the sofa with a cold drink and the TV going. Sometime during the evening, she says to him, "you don't love me."  He looks at his wife dumbfounded and says, "I've just spent all day doing things to show you I love you, how can you say I don't love you?"  To which she responds, "you never say you love me."

Men and women express love differently.  Men express their love by actions, and women by their words.  Women need to be told that they are loved, but men demonstrate their love by doing things for the other person.  Men need to be shown that they are loved, but women express their love with words.

The result of this, is that both can end up feeling unloved.  The woman isn't receiving the loving words she needs, and the man isn't receiving the loving actions he needs.  Both can be frustrated because their expressions of love aren't being accepted and appreciated by the other.  Taken far enough, both will quit expressing love to the other in any way.

This is another place where we need to communicate in a way the other understands.  Men, don't just show your love by doing things for her, tell her you love her as well.  Don't stop the actions, because those are necessary too, but make sure you add the words.  Give her the opportunity, by the words you speak, to understand that you are doing the actions because you love her. 

Women, don't just tell your husband you love them, show them your love with your actions.  Do special things for them, that they will like, in order to demonstrate your love in their language, not just your own.

When we both speak and act in the other's language, we will both feel more loved.  Instead of strife within the marriage, we'll bless and edify each other.

 Women: Discover What Men are Really Thinking

The men in your life – fathers, sons, brothers, husbands, boyfriends, employees, friends – aren’t just women with big feet and beards.  They’re completely different from women, and understanding them can often be a challenge.  But once you get to know the male psyche, you can start enjoying mutually fulfilling relationships with them.

Here’s how you can better understand the men in your life:

Recognize your influence with men.  As a woman, you have significant power to inspire men to become the best people they can be.  Much of what they realize about themselves comes only as they work at relationships with women.  If you focus on encouraging the men in your life, it’ll be like holding up a mirror to them so they can see who they are and who they can become.  If you recognize men’s potential, your encouragement can motivate men to claim their potential for themselves.

Understand what men do.  Pray for the perspective you need to see and appreciate what each man uniquely does in the world and in your life.  Get to know men’s missions and how they try to live out those missions every day in their work – both paid work through their jobs, and volunteer work through their relationships and service. 

Show them respect for working hard to overcome the challenges they face in their work. Keep in mind that men often communicate that they care about you by taking action on tasks (such as mowing the lawn) than by using lots of words (such as writing an eloquent love note). Thank them for the ways they try to communicate love to you – even when they do so in ways that aren’t as meaningful to you as they are to them. Let men know that you notice and appreciate their efforts.

Understand why men hurt. Men most often feel hurt when they don’t think that others are respecting them. They’ve been wired with a deep sense of needing to affirm their adequacy. So let men know that you believe they have what it takes to face the world and do well. Be aware that men’s confidence is tied to their sexuality; so if you’re married, your positive responsiveness to your husband will powerfully increase his confidence level. Get to know the life stories of the men in your life to come to realize how their prior experiences (such as distant relationships with their fathers) may have contributed to the hurt they feel now. 

Talk and pray with the men you’re close to about their fears. Respect their particular challenges. Be patient with them without excusing bad behavior. When men are irritable or withdrawn, don’t take it personally because it may not be about you. Support the men in your life, and discuss your own struggles and loses with them so they can better connect to you. Ask God to use your relationships with the hurting men in your life to help them along the healing process.

Understand how men change. It’s often through their relationships with women that men connect their heads with their hearts so they can best make positive changes in their lives.  When you’re concerned about a particular issue, speak up about it – without getting upset – and discuss it rationally, holding your ground about what’s important to you.  Say “no” to a man in your life when: you believe that your relationship with him will suffer because you’re putting up with something that’s harmful to you both, or when you sense that your “no” could open a door in his growth that probably won’t open if you just continue to go along. 

Aim to motivate him to wrestle with an issue that could eventually bring some deep changes in his life. Help him discover that he truly has what it takes to overcome the challenges he faces and change for the better.

Live with the right expectations of men.  Keep in mind that your expectations of any man must be grounded in the way God made him.  Each man has his own particular mix of strengths and weaknesses. Ask God to help you accept each man in your life as he actually is rather than as you’d like him to be. Get rid of unrealistic expectations of the men in your life. Remember that all men are fallible human beings, and that only God can reliably meet all of your needs. 

But just as you shouldn’t expect too much from men, you shouldn’t expect too little, either. Don’t hesitate to ask men for the strength and perspective and support that they should give.  Be aware of what you need but also open to what God brings into your life through men.  Let yourself expect the best of what God has put in men, but be prepared to deal with disappointments along the way by turning to God, who will never fail you.  Place all of your hopes ultimately in God.

Give men respect.  Pray for the ability to see and appreciate what each man in your life has to offer in unique and valuable ways.  When men know that they have a vote of confidence from a woman, that knowledge motivates them to do their very best at whatever tasks they’re pursuing.  Keep in mind that a man feels respect from a woman when she:

• solicits his opinion or perspective as though he might have something truly unique to offer;
• expresses her confidence in him by asking him to do the hard thing that is also the right thing;
• has sex with her husband;
• refuses to attack his character, even when he has failed her or others;
• realizes her vulnerabilities and values his protection;
• can name her own mistakes and her need of him;
• allows him to occasionally offer a solution to a problem she considers vexing, thereby exploring some possibilities she might not have otherwise; and
• believes he can come back from failure or defeat. 

Let yourself need a man, even when he’s failed you in the past.  Yes, let your husband or boyfriend know that what he brings to your life – his perspective, presence, and support – can’t be replaced by anyone else. Don’t try to rescue him from the pain in his life; let him experience it because God may want to use it to help him grow. Even when you don’t agree with him on certain issues, keep verbalizing your respect for him as a person as he tries to grow. Invite him to look up in search of the God who made him as he reaches inside for what God has put in him. 

Manage conflict with men wisely.  View conflict as an extended dialogue through which you all can make gradual progress understanding each other better and solving problems while strengthening your relationships in the process.  Pray for the strength to forgive the men who hurt or offend you, just as God has chosen to forgive you.  Remember that forgiveness is an ongoing process, not just a one-time event.  Every day, ask God to help you keep your heart open to following His command to forgive others. 

When you argue, don’t say harsh words or use stonewalling tactics. If you’re not making progress in your discussion, call a time-out, pray and get some sleep, then revisit the issue within the next two to three days. Aim to talk about an important issue a bit longer and deeper each time you discuss it, without either one of you freaking out. 

Remember that anger is always a secondary emotion; it’s caused by another emotion that lies behind it.  Figure out what’s behind your anger and the anger expressed by the men in your life.  Avoid contempt (which often shows up through critical remarks, smirks, and eye-rolling), because it will prevent any progress in your discussions and seriously damage your relationships.

Get through to men.  Create emotional safety in your relationship with men that allows you to talk about challenging or hot-button topics effectively.  Give each other plenty of kind words and affection.  Remember that you always have more to learn about any man, no matter how long you’ve been in a relationship with him.  Be humble and willing to explore new angles to issues and new potential solutions to problems.

Instead of trying to read a man’s mind, ask him to explain what he means. Validate a man’s thoughts and feelings even when you don’t agree with him; so he’ll feel respected enough to continue to explore new possibilities in his relationship with you. When having a difficult conversation, structure it like this: First, share something you value or appreciate about the man, or express empathy with him.  Second, make a specific request or deliver some news.  Third, try to return to something more positive to wrap up your conversation.

Build intimacy with a man.  Rather than focusing on what should be or could be in your relationship with a man, focus on what actually is right now and aim to enjoy it as fully as possible. Savor the simple moments you share, like a laugh over something amusing or a delicious meal together.  Accept and figure out how to accommodate the differences between you and your man, so that you can complement each other well.  Just as Jesus has accepted and welcomed you despite your flaws, aim to do the same with your man.  When you do, God’s glory can shine through your relationship. 

Rather than expecting your man to somehow make you happy – which he can’t do – realize that you can be as happy as you choose to be. 

Pray for the right attitudes and the ability to make the right choices that will lead to your own happiness. Keep in mind that the relationship between you and your man isn’t just about your comfort or ease; God is using it to accomplish greater purposes. Ask God to help you see the big picture of what He’s doing with your relationship so you can fully treasure the moments you have together.