4. Gossip
Proverbs 26:20 says, "Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down." Proverbs 16:28 says, "A gossip separates close friends."

Do you know what gossip is? Gossip is repeating idle talk or rumors about the private affairs of others. Don't gossip about your co-workers or friends. Don't gossip about people you don’t even know! We all need to stay out of people’s business. We have enough to deal with on or own.

Don't talk negatively about your own children or mate to other people. You will cause them to lose favor with people. If you need to talk someone, find a godly person to counsel with, but don’t criticize your own family.

5. Selfishness
James 4:1-2 says, "What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it?"

This is a big thing in relationships. We want our way and we want it right now! We don't like it when we don't get what we want!

All relationships require compromise and giving and sacrificing your way for the sake of others. You can't have your way all the time and expect to have fulfilling relationships.

6. The Tongue
Proverbs 18:6 says, "The words of a fool lead to strife". Our mouth is one of the biggest problems in our relationships. We ought to dedicate our mouth to the Lord every morning and say, "God help me to use my words to build people up and give wisdom."

The Bible says that you have creative power in your tongue. What are you creating with your words? Are you creating strife or peace? What are you speaking into the lives of people around you? You create an environment with your word. Use your words to encourage the people in your life.

7. Pride
Proverbs 13:10 says, "Pride only breeds quarrels." Pride keeps us from admitting that we are wrong and that somebody else just may be right! Pride makes us think we know everything-that you can't learn anything from your mate or your child. Pride makes you unable to see the strengths in others.

The Bible says to clothe yourself with humility. With humility comes wisdom and honor. In your relationships, don't be too proud to say. "I was wrong, I made a mistake. You were right. Lets do it your way." (1 Peter 5:5, Prov 11:2, 15:33)

8. Quarrelsome Attitude
Proverbs 26:21 says, "As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife". If you are quarrelsome, you are antagonistic. You wear your feelings on your shoulders. That's just like kindling a fire in your relationships and home.

If you are like that, recognize it and begin to change. Sometimes we don't even realize we are at fault until someone points it out to us. Realize that you don't always have to be right or have the final say. Be willing to listen and hear people out.

9. Disagreement
Proverbs 20:3 says, "It is to a man's honor to avoid strife, but every fool is quick to quarrel." Did you know that you can actually disagree with someone and still love them and be friends with them? You can even stay married!

No relationship has perfect agreement all the time. We all have the right to have our own opinions. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree and move on! But if it is in your power to bring agreement and unity, then do what you can do.

In the Bible, Abraham and Lot had a disagreement over their land and herds, but they worked it out for the sake of staying in relationship with one another. They were family. Abraham was willing to sacrifice the best part of the land in order to keep peace with his nephew. And God greatly blessed Abraham because of it. Relationships are more important than things!

10. Arguments Over Doctrine and Beliefs
II Timothy 2:14,24 says, "Strive not over words…which does no good, but upsets and undermines with faith of believers." The Bible says, strive not! Don't get in arguments with people over the Bible or Scriptures–it is not worth it. The Bible says that the Lord's servant must not quarrel, instead gently instruct and be kind to one another.

Don't tear your family or relationships apart over what you believe and don't believe. If they will not receive the truth from you, then the Holy Spirit will have to speak to them and show them what is right. Don't argue with them!

Don't ruin your friends at work over your differences. Jesus said that you are the salt of the earth and the light of the world. He didn't say you are supposed to straighten people out! Love them, but let God work on them. You are not their Savior! Jesus is–and He knows how to reach them.

By daily putting into practice the love of God and meditating on these scriptures, your relationships will be full of peace. The seed of peace will reap a harvest of fulfilling happy relationships in your life.

LISA COMES

What Should You Do With An Upset Woman?

For a woman, the way those experiences have impacted their emotions is the information their brain is processing.  This is totally different than what happens in a man.  His brain will filter the same information through learned knowledge.

Let me try and give you a picture of what all this emotional activity can do to a woman.  Picture a small row boat sitting on a lake.  As long as the weather remains calm, the surface of the lake is calm, and the boat can just sit there, bobbing along on the water, doing just fine.

However, if the wind should pick up, and a storm should start, that little boat can suddenly find itself in a lot of trouble. Instead of just sitting there calmly, enjoying the water, it is suddenly tossed up, down and around by the waves. The boat doesn't have any control of what's happening to it, and can only wait until it is dashed upon the rocks.

What that boat needs then, is an anchor. Something that it can tie itself to that is stronger than the storm. Without the anchor, it is doomed, but with the anchor, it can ride out the roughest storm.

This is about what happens to a woman. She is just like that little boat. When the storm hits, she has just about as much control as the boat did. At that time, she needs her husband to become an unmoving anchor for her. Unfortunately, most of the time, her anchor (husband) is too busy trying to check out the storm, or trying to avoid the storm, to make her feel safe from the storm.

So, trying to fix the problem for her, isn't going to do a woman much good. Even if the problem is fixed, she may not feel any better about it. In fact, the process of trying to fix the problem is likely to make her feel worse. It will appear to her that the problem is more important to her man than she is.

How do we become the anchor for our wives that they need? Here are some basic steps that pretty much always work, in just about any storm.

1: Hold Her: Just like the anchor holds the boat, she needs to be held. There is something about having your arms around her that can be very reassuring. Everything else can be in turmoil, but at least she can know that you're on her team. By holding her, you help reduce her world to one of the here and now, and that here and now is one that is wrapping her with protection.

So, what if she doesn't want to be held? Do it anyway. The Bible tells us to "love our wives, even as Christ loved the church" (Eph 5:25). Loving doesn't mean that we always do what they want. True love always does what is best for the other person. Even if she doesn't want to be held, that's what she needs.

2 - Tell Her "It's Okay": One of the things that makes a male into a man is accepting responsibility. Without taking responsibility, we are only male children in big bodies. When we tell our wives that "it's okay" we are sending them a message that we're taking responsibility. No longer do they have to worry about it, we're taking the load, and doing whatever is necessary for her.

3 - Pray For Her: As the "priest of the home," one of our responsibilities is to pray for our wives. This was one of the prime responsibilities of the Old Testament priesthood. Jesus, as our high priest, intercedes on our behalf (Heb 7:5). We as the priests of our homes must do the same for our congregation (family).

When we do it in their presence, they have an opportunity to see that we are providing them with the protection that they need. There is a great comfort to women in knowing that their husbands are taking the responsibility seriously to pray for them.

4- Apologize:  Are you the reason why she is upset?  What are you waiting for to apologize?  When you know that you dis something to hurt your wife you should apologize without hesitation.  Be sincere and remember to ask for her forgiveness.  Depending on what you did, you may need to apologize with your words and your actions.

There  you have it, four steps to apply. You don't even have to be a rocket scientist to use them. Try it sometime, you'll find that by being an anchor for her, you will do much more than you could possibly think. Her problems will be solved by your spiritual leadership, instead of by your brain.

Foot Note:  This was written by a man about women. 

Stop an Affair Before it Starts

Most of us say, “It will never happen to me,” or “My marriage isn’t at risk.” But listen to the cold, hard facts: It’s estimated that roughly 30 to 60% of all married individuals (in the United States) will engage in infidelity at some point during their marriage.

If you think your marriage isn’t at risk, or that you’ll never be tempted in your marriage, think again. The fact is, we’re all at risk – if we don’t take steps to stop an affair before it starts. So just who is susceptible to an affair? Someone who is experiencing:

• Boredom in marriage
• Lack of sexual activity in marriage
• Lack of compliments, validation, and appreciation from your spouse
• Lack of attention from your spouse
• Lack of intimate time in prayer and God’s Word

For men and women, adultery begins in the heart. And for men particularly, it begins when the heart is not guarded against what the eyes sees and what the mind fantasizes. A woman is more likely to be tempted sexually on an emotional level. There is certainly a physical attraction, but it’s usually the accompanying emotional bonding and attachment that leads a woman into an adulterous affair. She is enticed by a man’s tenderness, openness, warmth, personality, affection, and attentiveness.

When you sense that someone else is captivating your heart in some way, when this attraction results in increased disappointment or frustration toward your spouse or when you begin to dwell on or flirt with your fascination, it’s time to confront the threat. It’s not too late, but it’s late enough.

Are you entertaining any of these common lies and partial truths – or others like them?

• His/her flirting and attention makes me feel good or young again, and it’s not hurting anyone.
• We have a connection. He/she really understands me.
• I can talk easily to him/her about everything. He/she focuses on me and gives me time to talk.
• There’s chemistry between us. I can tell he/she is attracted to me. I can see myself ending up with him/her.

Stop! You must set a boundary now! You must establish a respectful relational distance between yourself and the man or woman who captures your attention. We’re not talking about cutting off all contact with the opposite sex. We’re talking about being cautious and alert for temptation in these relationships and maintaining a margin of distance that will help you resist those temptations.

If you find yourself attracted to another person, or entertaining some of the lies and partial truths we listed, you need to set up those boundaries now. Don’t allow any unwholesome thought to take hold in your mind. Don’t gaze into the other person’s eyes, the windows of the soul; eye contact in a conversation is good, but if you catch a look that’s too intense or too engaging and that makes you uncomfortable, avert your eyes and resist that gaze. Don’t meet alone with members of the opposite sex behind closed doors or in private settings. Be careful with physical touch. Keep conversation general. When all else fails, run for your life. Literally.

The other side of temptation is to be satisfied at home. Solomon’s words in Proverbs 5:18-19 are slated to a husband, but you wives can make an appropriate relation: “Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love.”

In other words, if you are emotionally or sexually thirsty, quench your thirst at your own fountain instead of looking for another. When you are full and satisfied in your relationship with your spouse, neither of you will need to look elsewhere for satisfaction.

Besides taking your physical needs to your spouse, be sure you also take your emotional and relational needs to no one else but your spouse. Talk about your struggles, your dreams, your needs, your frustrations, and your joys from all levels of your life. Pray with each other. Laugh with each other. Cry with each other. Enjoy each other. Challenge each other. Get honest with each other. This is what intimacy is all about – sharing your innermost thoughts, feelings, desires, and drives with one another. Intimacy with your spouse will help keep you in the center of the road, even when other guardrails are missing.

Change Your Marriage by Changing Your Expectations

What expectations do you have for your marriage?  Like many other couples, you and your spouse may expect to achieve goals ranging from financial security to regular sex.  But you also may experience the disappointment that so many other husbands and wives encounter when their expectations don't become reality.  The greater the gap between what you expect and what you actually experience in your marriage, the more tension will come between you and your spouse.

But if you learn to recognize which expectations are unreasonable or unhealthy - and how to change them - you can change your marriage for the better in the process.  Here's how:

Quiz each other.  Think about the various expectations that you and your spouse each have for your marriage: that you'll have children, attend church regularly, live in a nice house, have deep conversations, spend time with friends, enjoy good health, pursue fulfilling careers, avoid struggles with addiction (such as to pornography or alcohol), live free of the pressures of debt, pray together, cook meals for each other, present a united front to others, enjoy healthy relationships with in-laws, have sex regularly, give generously to your church, serve others together, etc.  After you've each listed your expectations, think about the gaps between what you've hoped for and what you've actually gotten in your marriage.  Identify the areas where the greatest gaps exist; these are the expectations you likely need to change the most.

Expose the roots of your responses to each other.  Discover where the expectations that each of you brought to your marriage came from, and how they affect your current attitudes and actions.  Talk about your childhoods and previous relationships, and what your parents and significant others (like past boyfriends or girlfriends) taught you about what to expect in life and how to respond to certain situations in certain ways.  Ask God to help you heal from unhealthy influences and overcome them to make better decisions now.

Balance cultural influences with biblical truth.  Regularly evaluate what media content you've been feeding your mind and emotions - and how that's influencing your expectations of marriage.  Are you watching, listening to, and reading material that aligns with biblical truth and helps your marriage, or material that's contributing to unhealthy attitudes and harming your marriage?  Don't just accept whatever messages come at you through the media.  Filter the world's messages through the Word's messages.  Focus on God's plan for your marriage.

Resolve expectations about each other's personalities.  Accept the unique person that God made your spouse to be.  Realize that personality differences between the two of you can strengthen your marriage when you figure out how to use them to complement each other.  Don't judge or criticize each other.  Instead of looking for what you think is wrong about your spouse, notice what's right.  Ask God to help you love your spouse as he or she actually is, rather than who you want your spouse to be.  Listen well to each other; be humble, gentle, kind, and patient with each other; and forgive each other for mistakes.  If your spouse is struggling to overcome some weaknesses, pray for him or her, but understand that God alone can empower your spouse to change.  You can't change your spouse, so don't waste time or energy trying.  Instead, focus on changing yourself to live as faithfully as you can to God's calling for you.

Work on your unmet expectations one at a time.  Answer three questions about each unmet expectation you have: "Do I need to change or adjust this expectation?", "Is my expectation fear and reasonable?", and "If I express my expectation, will my spouse find it to be reasonable?".  Change what you can (your own behavior) and release what you can't change (everything else) to God, praying for Him to intervene and trusting Him to help according to His will.  Work with your spouse to create new, realistic, and biblical expectations for the future.  Recharge your batteries through rest, relaxation, and prayer on a regular basis.  Choose to enjoy life even when some of your expectations go unmet.  And remember that your relationship with God through Christ should always be your main focus.  You can expect the best in any situation when God is your source of fulfillment.

Love each other extravagantly.  Seek God's love daily so it can flow through your life into your spouse's life.  Ask God to empower you to lavish your spouse with His love, in ways such as doing chores that need to be done and speaking encouraging words.  Regularly thank God for what He has done for you, and let that habit of expressing gratitude motivate you to express appreciation to your spouse for his or her good qualities and loving words and actions toward you.

Remain committed.  Remember that God's purpose for your marriage is to teach both you and your spouse how to love more deeply and to grow to become more like Jesus.  In order to fulfill that purpose, you must remain committed to the relationship, even when it becomes difficult.  So, every day, seek to learn something new about one another and keep your marriage growing.  Be willing to help and forgive each other.  Praise and encourage each other often with your words.  Stop blaming your spouse for problems in your marriage; take responsibility for your own mistakes and weaknesses, and work on changing your own attitudes and actions.  Deal with unresolved hurts.  Consider joining a marriage support group or getting Christian counseling.  Trust God to restore your marriage to what He intends it to be.

Keep investing in your marriage.  Every day, work to keep your marriage healthy.  Aim to be a constant source of hope and encouragement to each other.  Pray for each other.  Whenever you encounter an issue or situation that you wish would change in your marriage, be willing to change yourself rather than demanding that your spouse change.  Ask God to empower you to make changes in your own life to help solve problems.  Rely on God's love and wisdom to guide you each day.  

Your Master Bedroom...The Holy of Holies Of Your Marriage

Within our marriages, we need to apply different "zones;"  Especially the holy of holy zone.

Let's see if we can draw a parallel here.  In the tabernacle that Moses built, the courtyard is like our front and back yards.  In the tabernacle of Moses, you couldn't have any relationship with God without coming into the courtyard, because it was there that you came into right standing with Him.   In our homes, it is difficult to have a relationship with someone that doesn't come onto our property.

The house itself is like the holy place.  It is the place of service to our family.  We each take opportunities within the home to find times to serve each other.  This is an important part of our relationship because it shows our love for one another, and given us the opportunity to meet each other's needs.

The "holy of holies" for our marriages needs to be the master bedroom.  This is that place that has been set aside for the celebration of our marriages.  Yet, all too often, it becomes the place to stuff things that we don't want in the way during the day. 

You can tell a lot about a couple's marriage by how they keep the master bedroom.  Often,  when the woman was cleaning the house for "company" to come, she threw everything she didn't know what to do with into the master bedroom and close the door.  This isn't treating the holy of holies with proper reverence.  It isn't setting this place aside, the master bedroom as a place of communion of the marriage, it's treating it worse than the other parts of the house.

A marriage is a covenant relationship.  Evey covenant needs certain places and acts that are special to that covenant, as a reminder of the covenant.  Within marriage, lovemaking is the covenant act that is set aside to celebrate and remind us of the covenant.

When we set aside the master bedroom as the holy of holies in our marriage, it becomes a place for the celebration of that covenant.  Instead of being just another room, it is a place we enter to celebrate our love for one another.  Just entering it becomes a reminder of that love, and gives us a desire to celebrate that love.

As a place to celebrate our love, it should be made ready for that purpose. Instead of throwing the junk we don't know what to do with in there, the master bedroom should be the best looking room in the house.  All those extra "things" in the bedroom become distractions during lovemaking, preventing us from concentrating fully on each other.  This is especially true for a woman.

Decorate your holy of holies to create an atmosphere for loving one another. Don't let your bedroom be the last place to be decorated, make it the first. Pillows, low lights, candles, some nice decorations on the wall...

God has instructed us to have a "no chitchat line" at the threshold to our bedroom.  This means that once we enter into our bedroom, we aren't allowed to talk about miscellaneous "stuff."  No talk about our day, the bills, the children, or anything else.  

All we can talk about is:

• The Lord
• The Word of God
• Our relationship
• Our love for one another

If we need to talk about those other things, we leave the bedroom, and talk in the living room.  That way, our holy of holies isn't desecrated by the problems of our lives.  

Many couples enter their bedroom, talk about the day, talk about their problems, and then try to make love.  This causes great problems for the woman.  She can't switch gears from problems to lovemaking that quick.  The man is ready to make love, but the woman is overwhelmed by her day. When we avoid talking about all these other things, it sets the bedroom aside for the marriage.

Make a holy of holies for your marriage covenant!  You will end up with a more fulfilling marriage.

(FFC does not endorse all the opinions of our blog writers. But some information is shared with the hope that some of you may find it educational.)

The Difference Between Courting And Dating  

DATING:
The motive of recreational dating is to have fun.  A person will often date someone who they do not really know at all and have no intention of eventually marrying.  One of the goals of dating is to impress the one you are out with, usually for selfish reasons.

Men try to charm their date and women try to entice.  Dating is progressive by nature.  Each person has their own personal standards as to what is appropriate actions of conduct and what is not on a first date.  But both parties hope that they will become more and more intimate as time passes.  

The Problem with this is that there is no real commitment and the lives of those who date are littered with failed relationships and the pain that follows.  By the time most people in America gets married, they have already gone through a number of painful 'divorces' without ever being legally married.  They bring all this baggage from the past into their marriage.  The temptation to compare your new mate with those whom you were involved with before is extremely difficult to avoid.  This can and sometimes easily breed discontentment.

Many people are excellent daters. They have learned how to impress a date. But this is a "dating" behavior not a "marriage" behavior - it will not carry over into your relationship as mates.

COURTING:
Is spending time getting to know a prospective mate. The goal of courting is not to have fun or impress the other person, but to gather information and analyze compatibility. It is not time set aside to flirt. People who date usually begin at high school age, and date without any thought of Marriage. People who Court do so because they are ready to marry and are specifically looking for a mate who is also ready.

The Bible teaches that the Church is the future Bride of Jesus Christ, and that Jesus has gone to prepare a place for His Bride. Before a man can Court he must do as Jesus is doing,- prepare a place for his bride. This means he must have a suitable home ready and be financially able to provide for a wife and children.

The Apostle Paul teaches the Church that we are not to be joined with unbelievers who are outside the faith. Paul also taught that to be married to a man who did not provide for his family financially is actually worse than marrying an unbeliever, -"If a man does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Timothy 5:8

Your Rights...Do You Really Have Any?

Most of the time, we marry because of what we expect to get out of it.  We don't think about the other person, except in terms of what they can do for us.  Most marital counseling center around this point. People go to the counselor and complain about how the other person isn't meeting their needs or desires.  We've become a society of selfish people, who spend their time "looking out for number one" (and that's not the Lord).

If we are going to have God's blessing on our marriages, we need to find out what rights He has given us in the marriage relationship.  It isn't what we think that's important, it's what He thinks.  When we find out God's principles, and put them into practice in our marriages, then and only then can we expect His blessings to fill our homes.   After careful searching of the scriptures, I have found a full listing of the rights we can expect to receive in marriage.  Are you ready?  Here they are:

RESPONSIBILITIES and DUTIES

 Husband's Duties

- Duty to God first and foremost

- Accountability to God

- Second duty to wife

- Responsibility to wife

- Third to children (if applicable)

- Love, cherish and protect wife

- Primary provider for wife and family

- Accountability to wife and family

- Primary spiritual decision maker

- Primary decision maker on large issues that involve the rest of the family

- Responsibility to love your fellow man

 WIFE'S Duties 
Duty to God first and foremost
- Accountability to God

- Second duty to Husband

- Responsibility to Husband

- Honor, love, respect, submit to husband

- Responsibility to nurture and care for house and children

- Responsibility to love your fellow man

How's that for a list of rights?  What... you think I missed something?  Did you expect to see some RIGHTS thing written in that list?

Well, I couldn't write anything in that list, because the Bible doesn't give any of us, men or women, any rights in marriage.  It gives us responsibilities.  God isn't as concerned about what you receive out of the marriage relationship as He is concerned about what you give into it.

If you're not sure about this, just ask God sometime.  Go to Him in prayer and start complaining about your spouse.  I guarantee you that if you truly listen to Him, the answer you get back isn't going to deal with your spouse, but you.  God will start talking to you about your failures in the relationship.  He'll start showing you where you haven't lived up to your responsibilities.  You talk about what they need to change, and He'll show you where you need to change.  

Marriage is a covenant relationship.  When people enter into covenant, they commit to what they will do for the other person.  It's isn't about what you can do for me, it's about what I can do for you.  

Our relationship with the Lord is like that.  He hasn't invited us to become His sons and daughters for what He'll get out of the relationship, but for what we will.  Every command He has given us is for our benefit, not His.  After all, what do we have that we can give Him?  Even when we give ourselves to Him, the one thing that He asks for from us, we are giving an imperfect gift.  He is perfect, and we can't come close to giving Him anything that is anywhere near perfect.

God's covenant document, the Bible, talks about what God will do for us, not what we can do for Him. The commands that He gives us are for the purpose of showing us what we need to do in order to put ourselves in a place to receive His blessings.  Not so that He can receive something from us.  

As I said earlier, the Bible doesn't talk about our rights, it talks about our responsibilities. This is because everything in the Bible works by love.  In fact, the Bible calls love the greatest of all things.  Since love always desires to give, it always looks to the other person's benefit.

Men, you don't have a right to expect anything from your wives.  However, God has given you the responsibility of loving them, as Christ loved the Church, and gave Himself for her. Her submitting to you isn't a right of yours, your loving her is a responsibility to her.

Ladies, you don't have a right to expect anything from your husbands.  God never gave you the right of receiving love from him, but the responsibility of submitting to him, as unto the Lord.  

God never gave either men or women rights to each others bodies, or even rights to their own bodies.  What he did was tell us that when we marry, we no longer have any right to our own body. That we are to treat our bodies as if they belong to our spouse.  That isn't stating their right, it's our responsibility.  

When you stop looking for your rights to be met, and start looking at your responsibilities, it gives you tremendous freedom.  Instead of trying to protect your rights, you turn to looking to meet the needs of the other person.  

When both the man and woman stop looking to their rights, and start looking to their responsibilities, they end up meeting each other's needs.  In fact, the needs won't just barely be met, they will be met with abundance.  Remember, God's plan always works best.

If you want freedom in your marriage, take some time to stop looking for your rights, and start looking to meet your responsibilities.  See what freedom will come to you by being a servant.

Both husbands and wives have a duty and responsibility to meet each other’s needs, husband’s needs usually more physical and wife’s needs usually more emotional.

So do you see any rights in this post? If you think this sounds old fashioned, it’s because it is. We call it getting back to basics.

DISCLAIMER:   In no way is it intended to offend anyone that does not live according to this prescription and does not have any issues at this time, as I realize that, in some households variables exist that some can make a go of it for a time because of personal circumstances.  If someone is not ill then they don’t need a doctor right? 
 

Twenty-Five Rules for A Happy Marriage  

1.  Believe in the One true God (Hebrews 11:6).

2.  Believe in the Bible as the inspired Word of God (2 Timothy 3:16-17).

3.  Believe in Jesus Christ as the Son of God (John 20:30-31).

4.  Marry someone who believes in God, in the Bible as God's inspired word, and in Jesus Christ as the Son of God.

5.  Both partners strive with all of their hearts to live a life of walking in the light of God's Word (1 John 1:7).

6.  The partners in the marriage love each other as the Bible teaches (1 Cor. 13:1-7; Eph. 5:22-32; Matt. 22:34-40).
 
7.  Especially be kind and thoughtful to one another every hour of every day.

8.  If one partner should be unkind to the other, then let him/her repent and lovingly apologize for having been so.

9.  Let the one who has been wounded graciously accept the apology and forgive--without reservation--the offender.

10.  Do not go to sleep at night with some antagonism between you.

11.  If one spouse becomes angry, let the other strive especially hard to remain calm and in such a frame of mind as to be kind even in the face of unkindness.

12.  Be thankful for each other---thank God in prayer for each other.

13.  Become a Christian by obeying the Gospel of Christ (Mark 16:15-16; Acts 2:38; 22:16).

14.  Live the Christian life before your children (they will likely be a tremendous joy to you throughout your life).

15.  Do not bring up the mistakes of the past---in fact, forget them!

16.  Be the husband or wife that Christ wants you to be---recognize your intimate responsibilities (1 Cor. 7:1-5).

17.  Be good at saying, "Thank you," and "I'm sorry."

18.  Be good at saying, "I really appreciate what you did when you did what you did."

19.  Be good at saying, "You really look good in that dress and your hair really looks good, and...."

20.  Never leave home without an affectionate farewell---kiss and say, "I love you, dear."

21.  Never meet each other without saying something like this, "Hi, Dear, I missed you; I love you."

22.  If there is something which you do not especially like, instead of blasting out with a roar of harsh criticism, why not begin like this: "My Dear, there is something I would like, and I would like to learn what your reaction to it is"---then tell what is on your mind?

23. If your spouse brings up some point of criticism, accept it with love and concern---remembering that no one is perfect and that you very likely need the criticism which he/she is giving you.

24.  When you do wrong, do not hesitate to apologize for it.

25.  Always remember that marriage is for life---"until death do you part"---and that the main purpose of marriage is that the two of you (husband and wife) will help each other (and your children) to live for God during earthly life and to go to heaven after this earthly life is over.

Honoring the 7th Commandment: 'Do Not Commit Adultery'
 
The seventh commandment brings us to one of the most vital principles of having the marriage God intends.  Exodus 20:14 simply says,

“You shall not commit adultery.”

In a marriage, you would be hard pressed to imagine anything more damaging than your spouse being unfaithful.  But being faithful is not only being faithful in action, but also in thought.

Again, Jesus expanded on this in Matthew 5, and I want you to read these words very carefully.  He said, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’  But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Having a lustful, exploitive disposition has no place in marriage.  Love gives; lust takes.  Love serves; lust demands.  Love nourishes; lust chokes.

What a wonderful gift God has given us in this thing called sex.  It was His idea.  It is just as holy as when you lift your hands in church and worship Him.  It is God’s idea within the context and the confines of marriage.  It should be enjoyed.

But lust has no place in marriage.  It is a poison that will destroy the fabric of your relationship with your spouse.

Men, do not even entertain the thought of allowing pornography into your life.  It can destroy your marriage.  You are committing heart-adultery when you look at pornographic images and lust after another woman.  Do not let the devil have that ground in your heart and life.

This is such a vital command, we are going to stay on this subject for a little longer.  I will share with you three ways to affair-proof your marriage.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage with Positive Affirmation

The first way to affair-proof your marriage is to season your marriage with affirming communication.

In Song of Solomon 7:1-6 we read of how Solomon affirmed his bride,

How beautiful are your feet in sandals, O prince’s daughter!  The curves of your thighs are like jewels, the work of the hands of a skillful workman.  Your navel is a rounded goblet; it lacks no blended beverage.  Your waist is a heap of wheat set about with lilies.  Your two breasts are like two fawns, twins of a gazelle.  Your neck is like an ivory tower, your eyes like the pools in Heshbon by the gate of Bath Rabbim.  Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon which looks toward Damascus.  Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel, and the hair of your head is like purple; a king is held captive by your tresses.  How fair and how pleasant you are, O love, with your delights!

Solomon knew it was vital for him to compliment his bride’s body, because, as you read in chapter 1, it is evident that it was an area of insecurity for her.

This Shulamite was a country girl.  She said, “Do not look on me for I am dark.”  She was tan from working out in the vineyards.  And compared with the fair-skinned, pampered ladies of the court, she felt very insecure.

So Solomon very wisely builds her up in the area where she feels most insecure.

Speak affirming words to your mate rather than tear him or her down.  If your spouse is starved for positive affirmation, and it does not come from you, it opens a door of temptation.  The devil will send someone to give insincere compliments, and if a person is starved for it, they gravitate towards it.

Praise one another lavishly.  It is an important thing to do.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage with Companionship

The second way to affair-proof your marriage: being a companion to your spouse, spending time together just enjoying each other’s company.

Back in Song of Solomon 7 we read this in verses 10-13,

I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.  Come, my beloved, let us go forth to the field; let us lodge in the villages.  Let us get up early to the vineyards; let us see if the vine has budded, whether the grape blossoms are open, and the pomegranates are in bloom.  There I will give you my love.  The mandrakes give off a fragrance, and at our gates are pleasant fruits, all manner, new and old, which I have laid up for you, my beloved.

Notice that Solomon and his bride just hung out together.  It was a vital part of their relationship.  And so must it be for any thriving marriage.          

If you have drifted apart, I suggest you each make a list of things you like to do, or things that you might like to try.  It could be anything from antique hunting, going to garage sales, taking walks, bicycling, fishing, going to museums, watching football, shopping, gardening, snorkeling, reading, sky diving, cooking, hiking, puzzles, photography, whatever.

Once you have made your lists, compare them and see where things overlap.  Then find two or three things, and endeavor to do those things together.  Have fun together.

Set time apart to do at least one activity together every couple of weeks.  If you have kids, get a babysitter so it is just the two of you.  It will be the best gift you could give your children.

If you do not do things together, you will find yourselves drifting apart.

Affair-Proof Your Marriage Through Intimacy

The third way to affair-proof your marriage is by making intimacy a priority.    

Let me take you back to the Scripture we read yesterday, Song of Solomon 7:10-13

I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.  Come, my beloved, let us go forth to the field; let us lodge in the villages.  Let us get up early to the vineyards; let us see if the vine has budded, whether the grape blossoms are open, and the pomegranates are in bloom.  There I will give you my love.  The mandrakes give off a fragrance, and at our gates are pleasant fruits, all manner, new and old, which I have laid up for you, my beloved.

These verses paint a beautiful picture of intimacy between a husband and wife.  Couples need to have physical intimacy.  In fact, the New Testament commands the husband and wife not to deprive one another except by mutual consent, and then only if they are going to fast and pray.

So how do you create an atmosphere of intimacy?  It starts with affirming your spouse.  Notice that Solomon has been affirming his wife, complimenting her, building her up.

Now guys, you need to understand that women are wired differently than you.  In order for a woman to be intimate, she needs to speak and be spoken to.  You have to create an atmosphere for intimacy.

For most husbands, they just catch a glimpse of their wife in the shower and they are ready to go.  But for women, it starts differently than that.  She is aroused by words, sincere words, and it usually starts around breakfast time.

Take time today to create an atmosphere of intimacy.  If you do, you will be on your way to experiencing true intimacy.

What are the results of deliberate effort to foster intimacy?

Solomon has been complimenting his wife and affirming her.  Look at her response to that affirmation in Song of Solomon 7:10,

I am my beloved’s, and his desire is toward me.

She is digging it!  She is saying, “He really loves me!”  Solomon’s affirmation of his bride has created this atmosphere of intimacy.  And look what she says next in verse 11,

Come, my beloved, let us go forth to the field; let us lodge in the villages.

She is grabbing Solomon’s hand and saying, “Let’s get a hotel room!”  Then there are verses 12-13,

Let us get up early to the vineyards; let us see if the vine has budded, whether the grape blossoms are open, and the pomegranates are in bloom.  There I will give you my love.  The mandrakes give off a fragrance, and at our gates are pleasant fruits, all manner, new and old, which I have laid up for you, my beloved.

Friend, catch what is going on.  Solomon has affirmed his wife saying, “Honey, you are beautiful!  I am so glad I married you.  I married out of my league.  You are wonderful.  Your body is great.  I am so happy!”

Her response?  “Wow, he loves me.  I’ll tell you what, let’s go away and have a little love vacation.  Let’s take a few days off.”  That is enough to get any husband inspired to rent a hotel room!

If you want to affair-proof your marriage, make intimacy a priority!

The 10 Commandments of Marriage

Good marriages don’t just happen.  It is not just because you married the right person and got lucky.  Good marriages are built on more than passion.  They are built on principle.

In the Scriptures, we find the best guidelines and principles for a healthy marriage.  God’s words and God’s principles are never ever outdated…never!  They are just as applicable today as they were to ancient Jews living in Israel. 

I want to point us to principles God has given us in a place you might not think was intended for marriage.  That place is the Ten Commandments, found in Exodus 20.

Let me give you those Ten Commandments.  What I would like you to do is spend time reading these carefully, and then take time to pray over each one.  Ask God to begin to open your heart to see how these commands could be looked at as principles for marriage.  I had a friend who challenged me to do the same, and I was amazed at what I discovered.

“You shall have no other gods before Me.
You shall not make for yourself a carved image… 
You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain… 
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you.
You shall not murder.
You shall not commit adultery.
You shall not steal.
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.”  

The First Commandment of Marriage:  Exclusivity

The first of the Ten Commandments is simply this, as found in Exodus 20:3,

“You shall have no other gods before Me.”

What is God saying in this commandment?  That He wants to have an exclusive relationship with you. He wants to be your one and only. He will not settle for flavor of the month.

And how appropriate in marriage as well. We are to have an exclusive relationship with our spouse.

It’s been said that Henry Ford, on his golden wedding anniversary…50 years of marriage…was asked, “What’s the secret of your success in marriage?” And he said, “The secret of my successful marriage is the same secret that I have in business: I stick to the same model.”

In traditional wedding vows, the man and woman pledge their devotion until death parts them. For life. There is no competition.

My wife has no competition. I am not shopping for a new model. I do not want to trade in the old model. I will not be shopping in the future. One is all I need.

When God made man, He said it is good. But then He said, “It is not good that he is alone.  I am going to make a helper suitable for him.”  And the Bible says God took one of Adam’s ribs, and He formed a woman, Eve, and brought her to the man.

God did not take four or five ribs and say, “Okay, Adam, here is Eve, and here is Lois, and here is Samantha, and here is Rachel.”  No, it was just one.  And to have a healthy marriage relationship, that is it.

I am committed for life.  An exclusive relationship.  I am not shopping, not even window-shopping.  One God.  One wife.  That is enough.

The Second Commandment of Marriage:  Don’t Love a Substitute

In the second commandment recorded in Exodus 20:4-6, we are given the second principle for a strong marriage,

“You shall not make for yourself a carved image—any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them.  For I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate Me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.”

God commanded that we not worship carved images, whether in heaven, in earth, or in the sea.  He wanted to make sure everything was covered. God said, “Do not make images of Me and then worship them. Do not love or worship a substitute for Me. Love Me.”

Some religions have made pictures, statues, and idols and then called them holy. They are all imitations. They are all substitutes. And in marriage we should have no substitutes either.

Love your husband only.  Love your wife only.  Do not look for fulfillment in some other relationship or in some other thing.  Find your fulfillment in that relationship.

Pornography is a substitute.  When a man watches pornography, he is loving a substitute.  He is directing his passion and his sexuality toward those images.  That is a substitute, and he is robbing his wife of that intimacy.

Do not allow any substitute, no matter what it might be, to take the place of intimacy with your spouse. 

The Third Commandment of Marriage:  Speak Well of Your Mate

Exodus 20:7 gives us our third commandment of marriage, 

"You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain, for the LORD will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain.”

Many misunderstand the term, in vain.  It means empty, meaningless, insincere, not showing due respect. 

When we speak flippantly or lightly about someone, we erode our respect for that person.  Some people are just far too casual in the way they speak of their spouse, and it erodes your respect for him or her.

In marriage, few things can affect the relationship like words.  Words are containers.  They can contain love; they can contain hate; they can contain joy; they can contain bitterness.

The book of James says that our tongue is like a rudder on a ship.  It will send the ship of your marriage in whatever direction your words go.  Some people are on the brink of divorce because they talk divorce.  Just listen to the words they say.  Are they negative or positive?  Critical or encouraging?

One night I was out with a couple of friends diving for lobster.  Some guys were out in one of those big, long speedboats drinking and zooming back and forth at 60 miles an hour. All of a sudden, BANG! The boat hit the rocks.

But it did not hit the rocks by itself.  It was steered into the rocks.  Just like the driver of that boat, some people are steering their marriage into the rocks of divorce, into the rocks of heartache, by the words they speak.

Think about what you say.  Are you building up your partner?  Learn to speak well of your mate.  Build them up with your words.  Be lavish with your praise.  You will be pleased with where those words will take your relationship. 

The Fourth Commandment of Marriage:  Spend Exclusive Time Together

The fourth commandment, found in Exodus 20:8-11,

“Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.  Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the LORD your God.  In it you shall do no work:  you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your male servant, nor your female servant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates.  For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day.  Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it.”       

Sabbath means an intermission.  It means to put down your work and rest.  Take a break.  And holy means separate to the Lord.  “If you want a long-term relationship with Me,” God says, “We have to have time together.  I want special time, exclusive time.  I want a whole day.”

In the same way, in order to have a healthy, growing marriage, husbands and wives need time together…special time, exclusive time, sometimes extravagant time.  And I think we all know that if we do not schedule it, it will not happen. 

In a survey we found that the average couple spends 37 minutes or less in face-to-face conversation every week.  I bet before you were married you spent a lot more time together in a week, didn’t you?

If your marriage is to thrive, you need to spend exclusive time together.  You can’t build a relationship and not spend time together.  It is just not possible.

The Fifth Commandment of Marriage:  Honor Your Spouse by Showing How Grateful You Are

The fifth commandment gives us our next principle for a healthy and vibrant marriage.  It is found in Exodus 20:12,

“Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you.”

Among other things, God is saying we must be grateful.  Generally, parents spend a lot of time, labor, and money…sometimes to the point of radical sacrifice…to give their kids an edge in life.

And it is a tragedy when a child is ungrateful or unthankful.  William Shakespeare said, “How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is to have a thankless child.”  It is very difficult to have a relationship with an ungrateful, selfish person.

“Thank you” are important words to your parents, and an incredibly important phrase in marriage.  It is difficult to live with someone who takes you and all of your efforts for granted.

You may be thinking, “I don’t say it, but I am grateful in my heart.  I truly am!”  Well, hooray for you.  You are blessed because in your heart you know you are grateful.  But it does your spouse no good if you do not vocalize it.

If you do not demonstrate your gratitude, I doubt if you are really grateful because Jesus said, “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”  If it is not being expressed, chances are it is not truly there.

Maybe you think you don’t have a lot to be grateful for.  But there must be something you can say “thank you” for.  There is something you can praise your mate for.  Look for those things, and accentuate the positive.

Take time today to express thanks to your spouse in some way…through an action, through a card, through words.  That is how you honor your mate.

The Sixth Commandment of Marriage:  Don’t Destroy Your Spouse But Learn to be Gentle

The sixth commandment God gave to Israel in Exodus 20:13,

“You shall not murder.”

While you might think this commandment is not too applicable, I believe it is vital.  It is telling you not to destroy your spouse!

Jesus helps us understand this principle in Matthew 5.  He said, “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not murder, and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment.’  But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment.”

Jesus went right to the root of murder:  anger and hatred.  If you are going to have a good, healthy, lasting marriage, you need to learn to be gentle.  People who are easily angered…who are violent or have an explosive temper…destroy relationships.

If you are dating someone who blows up easily, you ought to take it as a warning sign.  If they get mad at things at the drop of a hat, that anger can be turned on you very easily.

Anger erodes relationships.  If you have a hot temper, get it under control, or the devil will control you through it.

Another way anger is expressed is by going stone cold…using silence and angry moodiness to punish your mate.  Again, not a healthy thing for a marriage.  If you anger quickly and forgive slowly, you are a hard person to live with.  Work at being quick to forgive, and make the controlling of your anger a serious matter of prayer.  God will help you. 

If you do not master your temper, it will master you.  And it will not only decay and destroy a marriage relationship, it will harm every other meaningful relationship you have in life. 

We’re going to skip the Seventh Commandment here – "Do Not Commit Adultery" -- to address it in a more in-depth manner next post.  The Eighth Commandment of Marriage:  Be a Person of Integrity

Exodus 20:15 gives us the eighth commandment for marriage,

You shall not steal.

You may be wondering how stealing applies to marriage.  Simple.  Not to steal is to be a person of integrity.

If you are always cheating or cutting corners, it will be hard for your spouse to respect you.  Your uprightness should make your marriage partner feel proud.  Your spouse and your family ought to testify of your integrity.  This is really one of the things at the heart of a good marriage.

If you are married to somebody, and you know they cheat their customers, it is just hard to respect that person.  You cannot respect someone who does not have integrity.

This is a big issue that many people fly right by.  But it is vital to a healthy and vibrant marriage because it is hard to fully give yourself to someone who does not have integrity.

If you find that your spouse is holding back, if you feel like he or she does not respect you, take a look inside and see if you are compromising with your integrity.  Do you cheat on your taxes?  Do you tell that “little white lie” to protect yourself or gain an advantage?

Do you represent yourself one way, when in fact in your heart you believe something totally different?  Are you like the man Solomon speaks of in Proverbs 23:7?

For as he thinks in his heart, so is he.  “Eat and drink!” he says to you, but his heart is not with you.

If this is an issue in your life, take it to God today.  He will help you become the person of integrity He desires you to be.  And when you do, you will find your spouse will come to respect you, and your marriage will be strengthened!

The Ninth Commandment of Marriage:  Be Truthful

The ninth commandment for marriage speaks to the heart of any marriage, trust.  It is found in Exodus 20:16,

“You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.”

Someone who would lie about their neighbor, for whatever reason, is not going to make a good marriage partner.  Honesty and trust are at the heart of a good marriage.

If you take advantage of people for your own gain, speaking untruthfully to get ahead, you are not a person to be trusted.  And you ultimately are the loser.

I am reminded of the guy who was in a fender bender, and he feigned an injury, pretended like he hurt his arm and his shoulder.  As a result, the poor little lady who had run into his car was subjected to a truly horrible situation.  She was grilled by attorneys, had to give depositions, and ended up in court.

But this guy continued trying to take her for all she was worth.  He didn’t care because he knew she had money.  He didn’t care if she had to give up her house.  He was looking at an opportunity to get rich.

The attorney for the lady’s insurance company put him on the stand and said, “I would like to know, since the accident, since you injured your arm and your shoulder, how far can you now raise your arm?”

With great pain etched on his face, he said, “Well…’bout here.  That’s it.  Just to here.”  Then the attorney asked, “Well, how far could you lift it before the accident?”  The guy responded, raising his arm with ease, “I could lift it up to here.”

Needless to say, he lost. 

Anyone who is not truthful will ultimately lose.  And if your spouse will lie to someone else, he or she will lie to you. 

The Tenth Commandment of Marriage:  Be Content with What You Have

Today we come to the final commandment for marriage.  That commandment is based on the tenth commandment given to the nation of Israel in Exodus 20:17,

"You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s.”

This command is very direct.  Do not covet.  Don’t be discontent with what you have.  Do not make what you don’t have the focus of your life.  Accentuate what you do have and what God has blessed you and your spouse with.

You do this by celebrating your husband’s or wife’s strengths and giftings rather than thinking, “Oh, I wish he was this way,” or, “I wish she had that.”

If my wife compared me to her brothers, I would be in big trouble.  Her brothers are these “Mr. Fix-It” guys who can do anything mechanical.  If you are with me and our car breaks down on a desolate road, we are going to be in some serious trouble.  I can pray, but do not expect me to fix the car.

Her brothers are another story.  One just built a house from the ground up; and if anything mechanical breaks down, he can fix it.

While I am not a Mr. Fix-It, there are other things I am good at.  I am so grateful that my wife wants to pull those out of me and give wings to those gifts.  And I want to do the same thing for her. 

You will always get into trouble if you think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.  Just water your own grass.  Because on the other side of the fence, it’s just Astro turf anyway.

Bayless Conley